Two months being disciplined, and eating Paleo. Success. The second month was a little easier, not wanting to bareknuckle fight someone for cheese. Funny the things you miss… I missed cheese. Had the odd craving for oatmeal, or rice, or toast with butter and my moms raspberry jam, but overall, manageable. I lost 7 pounds, nothing crazy, but nearly 2 inches off my waist, and a half inch off my hip. Everything else stayed the same. I didn’t hit the gym more than once or twice a week, and I really would shame myself about it. I didn’t feel up to it, but that isn’t a good enough reason for the non-compassionate asshole I tend to be to myself.
I spent 5 days in Vancouver with Caramel latte, drinking, eating at some amazing places, and visiting friends. We had a great time, he is fun, and personable, and always up for an adventure. The dress I wore for day one, is one I bought in december, and it fit, just a touch tight in fact, and by the end of feb it was bagged out a bit in the waist. We took some pictures of our amazing room, and food, and drank so much great wine, Every meal we made friends with the table or tables beside us. Even the flash of jealousy I felt on my alone afternoon was enlightening in a way I never could have imagined. I wonder how long it takes before you heal? Past baggage will always leave a mark or scar of some sort. Caramel and I had a long conversation over Japanese BBQ, (it’s a BBQ pit in the middle of the table where you cook your own already marinated meats and veggies, plates and plates of food and sake, it was nearly 3 hours of chatting and cooking)
I’ve been getting some ribbing from friends that although I won’t call him my “boyfriend”, he for all intensive purposes is. Well… he’s not. We match in that we aren’t sure where either of us is headed, we are both floating, drifting a bit. Enjoy each other’s company immensely and have a pile in common, but I’m afraid of losing myself again, and he seems to be afraid of hurting someone. Things between us are good, great, but it won’t be more. Which is okay for now, but for how long? I can accept that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but if he decided he did, and it wasn’t me, I would be crushed. He would be immeasurably dumb, of course, but I would be hurt. So what does this all mean? I find someone I like, (seems the trend in the last year and a half), and I close down to other options. Maybe there is someone out there even better for me? Someone as great as Caramel Latte but more focused? I still need to work on self love and compassion. I have been neglecting friends and family, I have certainly been neglecting my blog. He said something funny, as we exchanged stories on our long relationships, He said he couldn’t imagine the strong woman I am now, ever being in that situation. I could argue the woman I was before that relationship was far closer to the woman I am now, it was a flash in time, a perfect storm, a slip and fall, (here I am crying in starbucks again, dammit). Will I continue to see him? Yeah, he is great fun, but I need to stay grounded in myself and honest if my needs and wants are being fulfilled, because eventually I will want more. So more dating, but passive, and focused. Any friends of friends want to set me up? BRE said last night of all the people she knows, she is convinced I will get what I want. Everything I want. It’s out there and I will find it. I was touched. I am confident she is absolutely right.
I should stop crying at starbucks, or they should get softer napkins. I stopped packing tissues in my purse, dammit. Poor planning.
Right, nearly forgot… maple macchiato, years ago they had maple as a seasonal flavour at Starbucks, it was the only thing I could drink my anti coffee self, and makes sense as its mostly sweet maple and milk, I came in for a steamed milk to make a tea latte and saw, behold the maple is back! So excited to be reunited I ordered a venti, half sweet, and non fat. It was delicious as I knew it would be, and promptly gave me a SPLITTING headache. The caffeine, maybe, but more likely the sugar. I haven’t slept well all week, and have a general ache, I’m either getting sick or my body is protesting this non paleo diet. Is it possible I felt terrible every day and simply didn’t know any better? I would like to do a 21 day sugar detox shortly, so continuing on a clean or mostly paleo diet will help facilitate that, but I want a break. The key will be moderation, and making good choices, I cannot eat a whole slice of cake, not even one with bacon, Venti is no longer an option, whopper wednesday is a bad idea.
All these bumps are getting me to where I need to be.