Monthly Archives: March 2014

bad blogger

I haven’t forgotten, in fact blogging has been on my mind day and night the last few days. I would like to start a food blog. I have found a co-food-snob-blog partner, and we have a plan of attack. My time and attention will be focused on getting it up and running. Once we are set up, I will turn my attention back to this blog, as I will be blogging about different things on the different blogs, I’m good, I’m busy, stay posted for the new site!

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I am not as “outdoorsy” as I think I am.

Don’t misconstrue me here. I do NOT think I’m outdoorsy, just even less than I’d like to pretend to be. I am NOT athletic, the majority of my life, walking and chewing gum has been a challenge. I have the scars to prove it. Natural athletic ability, zero. Not until I spent a decade with “sporty smurf” (golf, basketball, soccer, and you name it, he played or watched) did I attempt things like tennis, biking, yoga. Just recently I have graduated to snow shoeing, paddle boarding, kayaking among other things. Now, you name it, I’ll try it, and likely it will be good for a laugh. I enjoy getting out and doing things, always been activity motivated, going and doing my thing, but a child prodigy athlete, was not in my cards, every time I left the house in my teens to try a sport or activity I’m sure my mother was expecting a phone call and a hospital visit.
In second grade the grade 7 girls found me in the bathroom running water over a wound on my leg, I had tripped walking to school (late), and needed 3 stitches. I broke my leg play fighting with a boy on the playground in grade 7, on the last day of school, 6 weeks of summer in a cast. In 8th grade we were in P.E. and helping one of my classmates, I squished my finger under a stack of cable weights, reacted and jerked it out, ripping apart my finger, I told the teacher I “broke my nail” and mid eye roll she looked at the blood pouring out of my hand and nearly fainted, 15 stitches on that beauty. Or the time in 10th grade I was running to get ice cream out of the deep freeze, tripped and put my ring thru my chin, another 5 stitches. I addition to separated shoulders, fractured nose, sprains and twists. I am a bruiser, big, ugly, purple and black turned yellow and brown. In my mid 20’s I was sitting at breakfast, sneezed, turned my head a funny way, smoked my face on the table, and gave myself a black eye. Sporty smurf was sitting across the table in astonishment watching this all happen. An afternoon mountain bike resulted in a over-the-handlebars trip, scraped leg, bear sighting and a 2k hike out of a ravine carrying my bike. Seriously couldn’t make up the stupid ways I’ve hurt myself. Grace was not a charm I was blessed with.
Yoga has helped, core strength and an acute awareness of capabilities. Body awareness and isolated muscle control. But I still regularly bite it-HARD.
My friend R and I went for a snow shoe today, probably one of the last of the year, but conditions were not terribly spring like. Inches of fresh powder. We went a few weeks ago, did a couple hour loop and had a great time. This time we were a little more ambitious? I realized I was poorly prepared last time, and tried to improve for this trip, but still came short. Hahah. I never pack enough food or water, and she had fire starter, a light, a multitool, and lots of food. I am not the person you want to get lost in the woods with, but I can walk 18 city blocks in stilettos? Erroneous for todays activities. I remembered lots of layers and tissues, but forgot them in the car. We decided on a longer intermediate loop, it was gorgeous and snowing on top of the fresh powder.
It was a hard start as I had just slammed back, 3 eggs, half an avocado, and a tall macchiato. Along with my multi vitamin, thyroid stuff and maca ginseng capsules. I was fighting back the urge to puke, trail side while being thirsty. Of course leaving the big water jug in the car. Dammit Holley.
The trail was mostly up hill and in addition to the fresh powder we were working hard. No idea how far the loop was (why isn’t this on the map?) we had the good sense to use my phone app to track us. Last time we didn’t remember till we were back to the car. Yay us.
We got lost, a couple times. We were blazing a trail thru un touched powder (well… R was, I was tracing behind). We stopped for pictures, to pee, for water drinks, and sometimes just to whine. It took us an hour to go 2K. It wasn’t looking good, my hip flexors were starting to hurt, my nose was dripping snot-sicles, and my mittens were thoroughly wet. according to the map we were maybe a quarter of the way thru our loop. R started musing about our epic adventure and the possibility of a snow cave in our future. Bahahaha. At this point I wanted to lay down and send for rescue. A little dramatic… our trail was a little more down hill and we made it another 2K in 30 min, okay, we can do this… I was turning my knees out and walking like a duck, waddling, I was waddling to use different leg muscles. We stopped for some water and mango slices, genius, thanks R, I brought granola. I stretched a little, and we checked the map. the trail didn’t show up, but the line of where we had been hinted that we were close to half way. We had to do a little back tracking, lost our trail, and had a bastard of a misplaced sign.
At this point my snot-sicle is nestled into my scarf and I barely notice it anymore. I am pretending I am in a monty python skit and am practicing my ministry of silly walks to use different leg muscles. We are down hill and on a snowmobile track so not near as much powder. We will LIVE! we will make it… I hope. And no one is around to watch the spectacle of me traipsing thru the snow. We met up with a couple ladies, they had 2 dogs and a baby with them, I can’t even take care of myself on a hike, with a baby? I was impressed. We made it back to the car, nearly 3 hours, and 7.2K. The last 500m to the car I was tempted to hunch over and pick up each leg, move it forward with my arms. I resisted that amazing display.
But according to facebook; hey everybody, check out how awesome I am, 7k snowshoe on a saturday, soooooo athletic. The truth is, tomorrow, I’ll make up for it with a long nap. Maybe two. And I harrowingly survived an outdoor experience today. Life changer.

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No makeup selfie

I have eyelash extensions, my vanity runs so deep that I am never without enhancement. Well lucky you, I took all my lashes off and had the sense to snap a pic before getting a new set.
My skin, is screaming at me, gluten? Sugar? Dehydrated? Broken thyroid? All of the above? I have been smearing coconut oil on my face, morning, noon, and night. But you can see, I’m getting a brow furrow, (likely from managerial duties), and smile lines, which I earned, and I am proud of.

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Well sh*#t…

right now, at this very moment I should be working. I should be paging thru 40 pages of single spaced 8pt writing to do a liquor order. I should be at the gym as I haven’t gone this week. I should be organizing my tax papers, I should be cleaning my space and getting rid of some clothes and stuff. I am not. I am scrolling thru Instagram and Facebook while enjoying a macchiato in the sun. And blogging. I did get up early, made paleo pancakes and bacon, chatted with Caramel latte, had a nap, visited my parents, enjoyed a burger 55 Duck burger (YUM!), replenished my wine rack (some good import picks from wine fest), Bought a new charging cord for my ipad as I seem to have lost 3 of them in the last week, and bought thyroid supplements. I think it (my thyroid) is still broken. I had stopped taking them to get an accurate thyroid blood test, and have been feeling tired, my hair is falling out, and my skin has a different texture. I have also been cold, I’m rarely chilled. No meds and off the paleo is bad for my hormones. And my motivation. But here goes, a walk in the sun, and then some work on a business plan. If you could purchase and eat my clean, grain free baking, and cooking, would you? I’m going to look into it. TGIF

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I am old

It has dawned on me this last couple weeks. Holy Shit. I’m 34. Well into my third decade. What am I going to be when I grow up? Will I have kids? Will I get married? Will I ever feel my age? I’m starting to look my age. Smile lines, stretch marks, and with my thyroid malfunction, or the weightloss, maybe a little of both, I have a crepe type texture to my skin. My back up chin will only make cameo appearances when photos are taken, (jerk back up chin). There have been a few facebook pic posted of ladies with no makeup. I rock that look, unbrushed hair as well. I did a little pic stitch before and after so you can see the difference

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I need to do something with my old man eyebrows. Hahaha. And I am kind of cheating as I have eyelash extensions, and they stay on all the time. but the photo on the left is fresh showered and nothing but a towel has touched hair and face, the right is LOTS of eye make up and a straightener. I have never been able to wear foundation, it feels funny, and covers my freckles. Maybe it’s something I should look into. It’s interesting looking at picture of yourself, I have been making an effort to pick out the things I like instead of the things I don’t. A MUCH more difficult exercise. I am still not feeling the gym, tired most of the time, and been apathetic in goal setting. Also, not to make excuses, of the last 14 days, 7 were spent in Vancouver, 1.5 were in vernon. And yesterday I slept for 14 hours to kill a hangover and general feeling of ill. Maybe this non Paleo diet is contributing to my general ill, and of course all the booze doesn’t really help. But man have I had fun! Vernon last weekend was a night out with Cherise, we went to a Bollywood bash fundraiser. Sari’s and henna, and gorgeous brown men dancing, and lots of vodka. We stayed till the DJ stopped and the house lights came on. What a great time, I really have a thing for those caramel men! Nearly had a melt down from sensory overload, and went home smelling like guys cologne, I like that there were lots of guys on the dance floor. Every once in a while I catch my henna tattoo and think there is dirt on my hand.
I need to get some house work done, and food prep, my cousin is coming over for dinner and to do my hair, and I’m going to make some non paleo stout and bailey chocolate cupcakes. Pictures to follow!

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Maple was my gateway starbucks

Two months being disciplined, and eating Paleo. Success. The second month was a little easier, not wanting to bareknuckle fight someone for cheese. Funny the things you miss… I missed cheese. Had the odd craving for oatmeal, or rice, or toast with butter and my moms raspberry jam, but overall, manageable. I lost 7 pounds, nothing crazy, but nearly 2 inches off my waist, and a half inch off my hip. Everything else stayed the same. I didn’t hit the gym more than once or twice a week, and I really would shame myself about it. I didn’t feel up to it, but that isn’t a good enough reason for the non-compassionate asshole I tend to be to myself.

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I spent 5 days in Vancouver with Caramel latte, drinking, eating at some amazing places, and visiting friends. We had a great time, he is fun, and personable, and always up for an adventure. The dress I wore for day one, is one I bought in december, and it fit, just a touch tight in fact, and by the end of feb it was bagged out a bit in the waist. We took some pictures of our amazing room, and food, and drank so much great wine, Every meal we made friends with the table or tables beside us. Even the flash of jealousy I felt on my alone afternoon was enlightening in a way I never could have imagined. I wonder how long it takes before you heal? Past baggage will always leave a mark or scar of some sort. Caramel and I had a long conversation over Japanese BBQ, (it’s a BBQ pit in the middle of the table where you cook your own already marinated meats and veggies, plates and plates of food and sake, it was nearly 3 hours of chatting and cooking)

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I’ve been getting some ribbing from friends that although I won’t call him my “boyfriend”, he for all intensive purposes is. Well… he’s not. We match in that we aren’t sure where either of us is headed, we are both floating, drifting a bit. Enjoy each other’s company immensely and have a pile in common, but I’m afraid of losing myself again, and he seems to be afraid of hurting someone. Things between us are good, great, but it won’t be more. Which is okay for now, but for how long? I can accept that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but if he decided he did, and it wasn’t me, I would be crushed. He would be immeasurably dumb, of course, but I would be hurt. So what does this all mean? I find someone I like, (seems the trend in the last year and a half), and I close down to other options. Maybe there is someone out there even better for me? Someone as great as Caramel Latte but more focused? I still need to work on self love and compassion. I have been neglecting friends and family, I have certainly been neglecting my blog. He said something funny, as we exchanged stories on our long relationships, He said he couldn’t imagine the strong woman I am now, ever being in that situation. I could argue the woman I was before that relationship was far closer to the woman I am now, it was a flash in time, a perfect storm, a slip and fall, (here I am crying in starbucks again, dammit). Will I continue to see him? Yeah, he is great fun, but I need to stay grounded in myself and honest if my needs and wants are being fulfilled, because eventually I will want more. So more dating, but passive, and focused. Any friends of friends want to set me up? BRE said last night of all the people she knows, she is convinced I will get what I want. Everything I want. It’s out there and I will find it. I was touched. I am confident she is absolutely right.
I should stop crying at starbucks, or they should get softer napkins. I stopped packing tissues in my purse, dammit. Poor planning.
Right, nearly forgot… maple macchiato, years ago they had maple as a seasonal flavour at Starbucks, it was the only thing I could drink my anti coffee self, and makes sense as its mostly sweet maple and milk, I came in for a steamed milk to make a tea latte and saw, behold the maple is back! So excited to be reunited I ordered a venti, half sweet, and non fat. It was delicious as I knew it would be, and promptly gave me a SPLITTING headache. The caffeine, maybe, but more likely the sugar. I haven’t slept well all week, and have a general ache, I’m either getting sick or my body is protesting this non paleo diet. Is it possible I felt terrible every day and simply didn’t know any better? I would like to do a 21 day sugar detox shortly, so continuing on a clean or mostly paleo diet will help facilitate that, but I want a break. The key will be moderation, and making good choices, I cannot eat a whole slice of cake, not even one with bacon, Venti is no longer an option, whopper wednesday is a bad idea.

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All these bumps are getting me to where I need to be.

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Oh emm geee

I don’t know where to start, I have a pile of topics swimming around and I’m having a hard time just picking one. I need to commit to writing one topic and go, but I won’t. Again I get restless, and cook, or wander, watch TV, nap. Really anything to wander from my waiting list of writing topics.
Right at this moment I am watching people wander past a coffee/chocolate bar in Vancouver, not far from the hotel. I decided I wanted to go to Winefest this year, for the first time ever, and my boss was kind enough to book a hotel downtown. Caramel Latte and I have been drinking wine, and wandering around since thursday afternoon. We hooked up with a couple of my friends for sushi, and then last night dancing and some late nite pizza. I haven’t had pizza in MONTHS. I remember it being better than the stuff I had last night. He is fun, and easy to take places, he makes friends easily and we have a great time. The only hitch, I have been feeling a bit jealous. And as I write this a cute boy with a great beard and an impressive camera is sitting at the other end of this window bar. Look, look away, look, smile, he is cheering at his cell phone so I have to ask why, hockey. Nice. Anyways… jealous. Caramel Latte is cute, and personable, and although often oblivious women throw themselves at him. Because I am at a work function, I get caught up talking to people I know, and forget to flirt. Dammit. I know that I am amazing, but there is a limit, and jealousy is my insecurity screaming itself to the surface. But what on earth do I need to be insecure about? This is my world, and I have it good. But I still get that pang. Right now he has gone to meet a couple friends from when he lived here, that’s great, and I needed some quality alone time (I REALLY need a nap, damn wine hangover)
Oh… cute guy is leaving, sad face… But I get this sinking feeling, abandonment. My ex in 10 years never invited me, also never came with my friends or family, we kept our lives very separate. Caramel latte is great with my friends, and down for anything, but the invite wasn’t reciprocated. Now if I had been invited, would I have gone? I uh… don’t know, I don’t think so, I did need this alone time, or am I just saying that to myself to satiate the feelings that were dredged up this morning? I’m not sure. But I am quite proud of myself for, acknowledging my feelings, recognizing the baggage associated. I am undecided about what I will do with this wealth of information, but I feel better having put it down in black and white.

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