Monthly Archives: April 2014

I’m not supposed to cry.

It’s bad for my lash extensions. Yes I am vain enough to go in every 3-6 weeks and have my girl individually glue on fake eyelashes. I do this, because, well, it makes me feel pretty. I rarely wear any chemical filled makeup, and I can stay in bed until the last possible second in the morning, then have a 10 minute shower, forget to put on deodorant, and go to work.
I am not supposed to hold back when I feel like crying because it’s bad for my chakras, emotional build up and overall health. It’s a conundrum.
So why is a girl who should feel pretty with her fancy new eyelashes, crying? I’m feeling rejected. I’m frustrated. I haven’t eaten enough today. I’m going to break down the how, what, and why.
It is insane at work right now. NUTS. We are up considerably over last years sales, and the store already does huge volume. We do millions in sales every year, and with a new till system plus increased volume, I’m a little stressed.
Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
My computer situation hasn’t improved. It’s broken, the other one has a virus and is slow, and the web browser on my iPad isn’t super cooperative for blogging recipes. I can’t upload pictures from my website partners windows/android platforms to my apple gear, and I generally find the actual writing of the recipes, well, if I was an oyster I would have made a few pearls. Cooking, love it, photos, all new to me, but okay, I have an artistic eye, sort of. Writing, I must for my well being, but messing around with spacing etc and putting in the recipes. Blech. And photo editing I may enjoy, but now, I am so completely clueless about it all. I hate not being an expert. HATE not being the best, fastest, smartest. Right now I am learning so many things it’s all over whelming and then I don’t have time to just cook, or just write because I have to mess about with all the other stuff.
I’m feeling isolated. I haven’t reached out to my friends or family, I haven’t seen them, I haven’t been on many dates, just one hike last weekend. One glorious hour away from the website. I have spent all day at work, all evening in the kitchen fighting with an oven that’s too hot, a computer that doesn’t work and trying to master original recipes and professional quality photography. By. My. Self. I used to cook with other people, My blog cohort, but he is busy programming. I can’t grab a tea and sit in the sun blogging at starbucks while I blurt out my thoughts and feelings because I’m stuck in the kitchen, again, By. My. Self. I have submitted some photography to food porn sites, and for every picture that is accepted 5 are rejected. I don’t often hear “No” I have realized. Again, I’m used to being the one that calls the shots, that has done the homework, has read the book, not just watched the movie. I know things about things. Add rejection to the frustration that every submission takes a photo resizing, a description, a write-up, the correct and innovative tags and 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. To be rejected, because of composition, or because I can’t crop on my touch screen and I’m fighting with my tablet the entire time. It’s all so subjective. And it makes me want to throw something. Phew after that little pity party, I feel better, ish. At least I stopped sogging up my lashes.
Again, Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
I shouldn’t be blogging on here. I have been trying to drive traffic from this blog to that one. But honestly, why would you readers from here want to go over there? I haven’t put any content on there. I haven’t told any stories, or divulged any salacious tales. I haven’t been outside the kitchen. There has been no “50 shades of Holley” (thanks L, love that!). I worry maybe I’m not funny anymore. Even If I had a couple entries, the new blog, it’s like a new pair of jeans. It’s nice, looks great. We have gotten a LOT of compliments on it. But it’s not… comfortable. It doesn’t yet fit the curve of my ass quite right. There’s maybe a little chafing. I wrote a piece yesterday to post about the day a year ago I was hysterical, low, hopeless, and I used a dirty gym sock to blow my nose. My blog partner said it was too much. Too sad, too low. (more god dammed rejection). Maybe he’s right. But that’s where I was. I felt like I was at the bottom. Sunk. Disparaged. I got better. (Makes me think of monty python skit “she turned me into a newt! …I got better…) I made changes, I did the work. I had the support. I feel like people who shared in your lows subsequently are more cherished when they then get to share in your highs. Speaks to the quality of readers I had, and kept when I was Debbie downer. I feel like new readers need a little perspective on the drastic changes that can be made. The progress that can be had. The extreme swing from where I was a year ago, to where I am now, and where I could be a year from now. Maybe I’m not giving the new blog a chance. It’s like making a new friend. You can’t just push them into the deep dark end of your emotional pool. You have to coax them in, let them get comfortable with the temperature of the water, then send them into the deep end. Or off the deep end. Hahaha
I need to go eat…Dairy Queen. Because altho I have this clean eating blog, I’m still addicted to sugar. And I feel like I want to console myself, and watch trashy TV. If I get a banana split, it has fruit, that is like a salad? Yeah. Tomorrow I will yoga after work and start one of the 4 lifestyle books I bought today, maybe the 21 day sugar detox should be on the top of that list. And maybe write a recipe.

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Our new baby

OMG my blog partners post today about our new website is AMAZING. Check it out and read about my continuing adventures there!
http://theprimaldesire.com

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On my soap box for a minute

Okay, I have been consumed the last couple weeks, with trying to get the new site going, and work has exploded. Spring is here, along with a computer system upgrade and our competitors closing down for renos (I’ve heard rumblings of a sale and that they may not be re-opening anytime soon) I am busy! I am also tired of being tired. I eat well, get 8-12 hours of sleep but still could sleep all day. In fact last saturday that is just what I did. Woke up early, had a morning snooze, made brunch, had an afternoon nap, was too lazy to make dinner, ate yogurt and watched a half of a season of the walking dead, I am nearly caught up. And then was to sleep by 10pm. Ridiculous. Luckily My blog partner has been doing the majority of the framework, he’s done an amazing job. So he has been building me a new soap box, and I am going to unleash a rant on diet, calorie counting, and my sick obsession with the scale. I’m also going to address the influences that can mess up our self image. We are working on some great grain free recipes, and been taking pictures. The new site is starting to breathe and take life, very exciting!!
I am going to document, what I eat, a food diary! Along with a 10 day cleanse my naturopath has put together. We are going to fix this fatigue, my blood pressure is LOW! The low side of normal anyways, and my heart beat, although not the worst she has heard it, was weak and a little irregular. As usual I cried in her office. The first time in a couple weeks I had teared. Except when I watched the “How I met your Mother” finale, of course, I am not a gargoyle (made of stone).
I went on a couple dates last week, one tinder fellow who quite obviously was interested in “doing” me. The end. Hahaha. No thanks. Soul-less banging not on my agenda. The other guy, we talked on POF well over a year ago, but he hadn’t remembered. Lovely man, damaged and still reeling from his last break up. But looking for friendship at this point, which is totally do-able. I have a date potential lined up, he is training for the granfondo. Yes bike geek!!
Of course content for the new site is my first priority until I start my cleanse (saturday I think) then it is only second because my health is my primary concern. And I have to get up on my new soap box and rant…

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