I’m cool and all, but…


I am sitting at my fave Starbucks in the corner, sipping a caramel latte. I wanted to blog about my past birthday, and how hard this one has been for me, but… well… I didn’t bring any tissues, and I will need some, it’ll be a cryer. And well, I have this amazing story to tell you now.

Those that know me, are aware, I get more dick pictures than the average single girl. Not that there has been a poll, but it seems like, I get them randomly, and often. I haven’t been on a date in 6 weeks, but I have gotten 3 random, unsolicited penis pictures in that time. I know, contain your jealously. I have a glamorous life.
I received an unsolicited monday morning dick pic. 9 am erections are apparently the most photogenic. I get it, there’s good light. A great picture needs good light. I didn’t reply. I was busy being a grown up doing work type things. Lame I know, but you know, 35 years will do that to a girl. Around noon I got another text asking why I hadn’t commented. Well. Um. I didn’t want to. After a year of texting and three dates, I knew this conversation wouldn’t go anywhere. I responded I was busy at work (true statement) but that we should hang soon. He would have to come to me. We texted back and forth for a bit and he told me he wanted a threesome. I laughed at my phone screen. I haven’t been on a one on one date in weeks, the majority of my friends are married with kids, and I just turned 35, I’m not 22. If I go to the work of orchestrating a threesome, why would I invite him? I am not against the idea, I mean, I don’t know, I might like it? But it seems like more work than I plausibly have time to organize. Plus he doesn’t have much in the way of free time, and he lives a couple hours away. All in all a threesome is not likely to be in the cards with me. I told him so. He responded with something along the lines of: you are great and all, but I don’t need to travel to get laid.
Hahaha. I feel the same way. I was simultaneously incredibly insulted and wildly amused. What on earth was I doing texting with this guy? What a colossal, truly monumental waste of time and energy. I told him I felt the same way and he came off as slightly insulted, wishing me luck out there. Like finding someone with a desire for one on one sex with a girl like me was a reach. I really need the luck. Nope. This is his deficiency, not mine. I told him I would put him on the list, you know, like a spare board if a position came available… but I won’t. I won’t call, I won’t write. I’m done. I deserve better. If it took me 35 years to realize that, I have finally found a great thing about this last birthday, I know things.


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