Monthly Archives: December 2014

rejection cubed squared in a fancy box

Haha, I said box. Okay, I haven’t been to the gym in months and I feel frumpy, why wouldn’t I go on a date or two??? I know setting myself up for failure. But I have this pipe dream that I’ll find someone who accepts me just the way I am, frump and all.
I went on a lunch date with one guy, seemed nice enough, but there was nothing there, he… well… he is a welder (My brother wouldn’t approve). He was just a touch shorter than me, okay until I pull out my gianormous heels, but that wouldn’t bother me. He is a smoker. Gross. Really a deal breaker, altho he didn’t smoke in my presence. He has a 14 year old he doesn’t ever see, and seems to be flip about. Not my place to judge, but I did a little. I am a jerk. All in all there were too many no’s. And my bathing suit parts didn’t feel any different when he was around. There felt like an air of pre holiday relationship desperation about him. Like he was looking for a warm body to spend a few days over the holidays with. A date for the company christmas party to show off, and a way to cut the loneliness of the holiday season. I get it, but… doesn’t make it any better of an idea. And jokes on him, I work thru the holidays. Ha. ha. Maybe the joke is on me…
For our second date we went for dinner, and I couldn’t in good conscience let him pay for another meal knowing I had NO desire to take this any further, I paid for dinner, which sent him into shock. Then a movie, I loved it, he did not share my sense of humour. Another red flag. He made some derogatory comment about “fags” and I wanted to slap him. By this point I knew not only did I not want to date him, we wouldn’t be friends. As politely as I could I told him I wasn’t interested. Rejection is hard, even when you are dishing it out. At least it is for me- a classic people pleaser.
My second dater in 2 weeks for 2 dates was a banker, new to town, and I begrudgingly left my house to meet him for tea. He was great, uh, well, really smart, conversational, but a little bit of a dick. I can handle a dick-edge to men, as long as they are smart. Arrogant ignorant dicks, are not my thing. Our tea took up a couple hours, discussing a variety of world events, he claimed to not be looking for anything serious as he just moved to town. I like it. I’m not looking for anything serious either, I have no time. Mr. nothing serious texted me like a fiend for the next 2 days. Highly entertaining and severely sexually charged. We were going to make out. I had this feeling. Our second date was take out and documentaries on Apple TV. So if nothing else I would learn something. He… was… okay. Not amazing, but okay. Like all those texts ran out his heat. Or maybe I just wasn’t as hot in real life? We made out a bit. He wanted to go slow. Haha. I think I simply wasn’t his thing and he was trying to save my feelings. How kind of him. I haven’t heard from him since. Now it was my turn for rejection. I have a guy friend who is happily married that I dish my dates to. He claims it’s him being supportive, but I think it reinforces for him the benefits of being married. He suggested this man I went on a date with that wanted to go slow had iron will. Amazing control. I suggested it was dumb. He asked me what I would do if he called me again? I assured him it was un likely I would need to worry about it, but IF, big maybe IF he called me again, I would bang him and then never call again. Because that’s how I roll.
All hell has broken loose at work the last week, so no time for dates, but i’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and try this again in january.


Sad single girl

Are you ready? This is a post I have been kicking around for a while. Weeks, maybe even months. Seems like there is never a good time, I SHOULD be doing many other things, “hey there… piles of junk stacked all over, way to clutter not only my space but my mind too.” Oh work, sure, yeah, I don’t need a life, I’ll just cover that shift, or stay late to get shit done. Website, although I am passionate about it, it’s all so overwhelming sometimes, and working with 10 min of daylight if I’m lucky any day. Well. Yuck. I don’t even want to start on the lack of Gym time.
Okay. I am 35. It kind of snuck up on me. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare or celebration. I spent the day at home in my PJ’s. I talked to my parents, as they remembered this year (my mom never knows what day it is, so remembering date dependant events has never been her strength, Dad reminded her). Mom said “a break down doesn’t need to happen today.” So I shut out the world and warded off my breakdown.
How did this happen? It was a blink ago I was so HOT, and dancing on bars. I was going places, meeting people. I had plans. Get married, have kids, own a bar. Now I find myself 35, single, no kids, no bar (thank goodness). 35 is closer to 40 than 20. Yuck again. Yuck.
I’m still fairly attractive I suppose, how is that statement for wishy washy…I mean, I feel soft and frumpy right at the moment, but I have my charms. I am clean, for 35 I don’t have any grey, and my smile lines are developing nicely, but I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles.
So why the heck was this last birthday so tough? I mean honestly, I have a fabulous life. I don’t have to watch anything on TV I don’t want to. I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to. Had a rough day and feel like going home for a nap? Yeah, I can do that. I have no one but myself to provide for, feed and take care of. I mean, shit, once I pay rent, a can squander the rest of my money on animal print accessories, chocolates and things that sparkle. I feel like going for a drive and not coming home for 3 days, I can do that too. I am foot lose and fancy free.
It’s lonely.
And there are all sorts of social pressures. “You are STILL single.” “Don’t you want kids?” Blah blah blah. I resist my immediate response to tell people I am emotionally unavailable, and I pick men just like me. I want to cry . I want to laugh. I want to say “there must be a terrible flaw in me.” I want to give them a slow blink, turn on my (often awesome candy color stiletto) heel and walk away without muttering a single word.
I refuse to be in a relationship for the sake of not being single. And well, I don’t meet people sitting at home working on my food blog.
Some things need to immediately change. Covering shifts at work. Well, there will be an apathy flush. I am taking care of myself. Exercise. Every day. Has to happen. And blogging, writing for the sake of writing, likely on here because the other blog isn’t really mine, is good for my mental health. I can’t promise a lot, but so you know, I’m alive and struggling thru, and writing for you is on my radar. I will share my sad single girl tales…

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