Monthly Archives: February 2015

Ruined, I’ve been ruined…

Alright, it may be a little drastic.  I haven’t been “ruined” necessarily.  I’ll explain.

Since the valentines day break ups, I hadn’t heard from the 23 year old.  Radio silence for 2 whole weeks.  Until a 7 am dick pick made it’s grand entrance to my screen along with a very sweet “wish you were here”.  Hahaha.  Oh man, I asked a couple questions and looks like he is using me to direct his attentions,  while his on and off girlfriend is off.  That’s not a good feeling, being a back up plan.  I deserve to be treated infinitely better than that.  I broke up with him again.  Apparently I’m not good at this break up stuff.  My friend Raj had bet me $10 I would hear from him again, I really didn’t think I would.  So now not only did I have to break up all over again, I owe $20.  Boo.

I have been on a couple dates with a viticulturist (grape grower for wine).  We have gone for tea, and to the pool for a hot tub/steam a couple times.  I really like him, he is genuine, and smart, and funny.  The problem, he is super busy, and I’m under the impression with every meet we are rapidly pushing each other into the “friend zone.”  There is little sexual attraction at this point.  But I have made a wonderful new friend!!  Darn it.  I mean, yay!

I met a guy for dinner and drinks last week.  He has an accent, and we had chatted on the phone a couple times.  I will call him no-name.  Because I actually have no idea what his name is.  His accent; colonial British.  A dear sweet Indian man with a faint British accent but with the classic Indian rolling R’S.  He is an absolute delight to listen to, and I could have just sat eyes closed and listened to him read the menu to me.  But the date it’s self, just okay.  So smart, but so very serious.  And there were a half a dozen times in the hour and a half we spent where he checked his cell phone.  This drives me a little crazy.  He is also seeming un willing to come to me, or meet me half way.  Ugh.  It became uncomfortable after he finished his beer, he was obviously enamoured by my “physicality”.  That is the most tactful way I can think of to say; I’m 90% sure he was thinking of me later that night while masterbating.  Maybe 95%.  And although flattered, I didn’t reciprocate those feelings.

So why do I think I’ve been ruined?  We  I haven’t had a decent spark flying, pulse quickening, exciting, date in over a year.  Caramel latte may have ruined me.  Or spoiled me for subsequent dates, and that was never serious.  Sometimes I think I am destined for the single girl life.  But during my body talk session this week, she says that there is romance, in and all around me.  Maybe I’m missing it, maybe it’s coming, but we agree penis pictures are not “romance”.  So I’m trying to stay open and available to the romance coming my way.

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Valentines day Break ups

Well, a 80+ year old lady just told me she “admired my slacks” Hahahah. I love it, I am wearing plaid leggings

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I feel so very stylish. Hahah, altho now I really look at them, my grandmother would love them… I think she had a shirt like this. Polyester of course.
I have already gotten off topic. I am feeling a little tender today. I initiated a number of breakups yesterday.
I broke up with the 23 year old. He has been calling and texting and we had arranged to meet up. When he cancelled on me, I was relieved. He makes me feel nervous. Butterflies fill my chest and I feel awkward. After consulting with my BFF, I decided to heed her advice and listen to what my body was saying. I phoned him and we talked about how I felt, and that I thought we should leave each other alone. He feels the same, nervous. We make each other nervous. So we are letting go, and trusting the universe will unfold as it should. No more anxiety or guilt. And if it is to be, it will. No more energy is to be spent. I feel a mix of relief and sadness. He was good for my ego, he makes me feel as I am the most amazing woman ever lived. Truly irresistible.

I have been “married” on facebook for more than 7 years. But, to a woman, a friend. A friend that I have fallen out of favour with. I think that friendships that span years have a tendency to ebb and flow. I think it’s okay, and true friendship can resist the slack and stretch of time and distance. People grow apart and together, and then apart again, the only thing constant is change. It may have been the hardest break I made, removing the married status from my page. I even teared a bit, but a relationship not serving needs to be severed.

I have mentioned that I am a collector of amazing people, this is true, but the down side is that I am not good at ending relationships. Even ones that are toxic or painful or no longer serving my best interests. I hold on, I give another chance, I try harder. I need to stop. I will stop. The people pleasing, and feeling like I need to do and be more to have people love me. It’s coming to a crashing halt.

I culled my facebook friend list. I deleted or removed nearly 100 people from my list. If I wouldn’t stop to say hello in the supermarket, I deleted them. Any one who has treated me poorly or with malice, they are gone too.

I cleaned out old text messages, and deleted contacts that are no longer people I wish to spend time with. Texts that come from unfamiliar numbers will be deleted without thought. I am not a booty call, or a back up plan for boys and dates. I am a shark. I keep moving forward. It is the means for survival.

I have a fresh outlook. I deserve to be treated with love and adoration. To feel good, and whole and deserving. I AM irresistible, and sparkle with positive energy. I am generous and kind, to myself and others, and require reciprocation. If that isn’t happening, we are breaking up. And it’s not an on again-off again relationship. Me and my fancy pants are leaving. For good. But we wish you the best life and love you deserve. XO Holley.

Hey, I might like you… here is a picture of my dick. :-)

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Hey Ya’ll! How the heck have you been? Miss me? I have been eating paleo the last month so been sticking fairly close to home, hard to meet for drinks or coffee dates when you aren’t drinking. And no sitting at starbucks blogging either.

Okay, last time I wrote here I told you about a guy who rejected me. a few weeks later he texted me. Whatever else he had going on must have fell thru. Well, after a quick text to my friend T, we decided – fuck that guy. He missed his window. I did reply, but kept it icy. I’m no back up plan. And the more he texted me the less I liked him.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates, and some random texts from old flames. I did get a few dick pictures from a tinder meet. Holy horse cock. Hahaha. Since the cock shot shares, I see he isn’t on tinder anymore, so someone must have been adventurous enough to tackle the gigantic monstrosity, you know what, I’m sharing it. I’ll just snip it a bit. Hahah. Snip it…. My immediate reaction was fear. Pretty sure I have an average sized vagina, that equipment would bruise my poor lady parts.

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I’ve been working hard on improving my mood, before christmas and most of last fall I was feeling low. Depression had crept in along with stress, a few extra pounds and under eating. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide out, but then would beat myself up for that. Instead of enjoying the rest and relaxing.

I’ve also tried to say yes to more things. Dinner with friends? Yes. Trip to Portland with my Ex? Yes. That’s right, a potentially awkward weekend away was a great time. We had some drinks, did a pub crawl, caught a basketball game and rang in the new year. Really great time. Are we rekindling a romantic flame? Nope. Not a chance. Not again. But he did mention (while drunk) he didn’t realize how good he had it with me. So there was a little vindication.

I was madly flirting with a friend of a friend a couple weeks ago at a games night. I told Cherise about my new boyfriend and that I intended to flirt my face off later that night, that I was almost ready to tell him he was my new boyfriend because I had seen him at a handful of events now. Well… I did flirt, we sat next to each other, leg against leg, I was TOTALLY in there! He gave me his phone number. Conquest complete. And then it happened. I made some reference about something in pop culture that he didn’t get. This was odd, he gets all my jokes, and is smart enough to know how funny I am. But he didn’t get this… suspicion crept in. How old is this man? Is he actually a boy, was I the oldest person in the room? Was I preying on him? Yes, I was, but was I cougaring him, not just preying? Shit. He is 25. Really? Ugh. I laughed, he said “almost 26” like that makes it any better. Dammit. We might have to break up. These imaginary relationships can be so hard.

Speaking of men far too young for my the 22 year old broke up with his girlfriend. Sigh. I feel mixed emotions about it, He is SO good for my ego. And he CALLS me. I know… uses that text and internet device I carry around with me to verbally communicate. But although he has gotten older, so have I. And he still lives a ways away. I have now realized I am not preying on him, but I think he may be hunting this cougar. And if I date a man 12 years my junior I can justifiably be called a “cougar.” I have been entertaining the idea of a t-shirt. I think it should say something along the lines of “must be this tall to ride” but should have a born-before date.

I went to Seattle for a weekend with my Blog buddy, we caught Super Bowl in the emerald city and had a little post game bar hop. We met a group in one bar, they left and they were already at the next bar we went to. It is the best feeling to walk into a random bar, that you have never been to before and have a table of people scream your name with excitement. I felt like a rock star. And I had a man tell me he “Loved his girlfriend, but I was truly extraordinary”. Awe. I wasn’t interested in anything but taking off my boots and brushing my teeth at that point. But good to hear for external validation none the less.

I have a lunch date today with a man of an appropriate age, and a couple on the hook for next week meet ups. No dick pics this week, but I am hopeful for next week!!

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