Yeah, that is right. I don’t love summer. I suffer from seasonal depression, but it isn’t from lack of sunshine, or day light. I simply have no time. Or more accurately I don’t make time. Work is crazy, and it always has been, this second month of summer alway leaves me feeling burnt out. I am there. I want to sit by myself, in my messy house.
There are beaches to go to, fruit to can, people on vacation, and so many things to do. I don’t have time for any of it. To make time to blog I set my alarm extra early, so I could write a little before work. There isn’t much for me at Starbucks, I have adrenal fatigue. My naturopath has advised I stay away from stimulants. No coffee, (also no diary) and no black tea! I have a hard time with the no black tea, I like my tea strong and spicy (like my men?). Herb teas just don’t do it for me. But I will persevere because I am tired of being tired.
I joked with my naturopath that I was “secretly high strung”. She didn’t laugh. It isn’t a secret. She told me I have to “chill the heck out”. Great. How do I do that in the busiest month, and a month that I don’t love on top of it? How do I shake the guilt that I should be: cleaning, canning, getting out side, exercising, visiting friends, going on dates, working, working on the website, blogging, cleaning my car, organizing my office, meditating, cooking, shopping, food prep, watering my flowers, brown and wilty on the patio… shit, I was going to do that this morning. All I want to do is watch sitcoms on netflicks while I sit in a hot salt water bath. Maybe while eating cake, and drinking herb tea.
Caramel latte suggested I re-evaluate my priorities. I struggle separating my priorities from obligation. I almost want to give into the comfortable, the normal, where I disappear from my friends and family for the next 4 weeks and just work. Work and have a pity party. Not the healthiest option. Or the smartest. But it is what I know dammit.
It’s not like they would really miss me, I’m not very funny right now. Or pretty. I’m not very smart either… Haha, because this negative internal message is bringing me down to it’s level. And re-living old negative habits is going to product old negative feelings. I feel stuck, I am listening to a Depak-Oprah meditation about how to get un-stuck. The message is “Today I am a creating a better version of myself”. So that is exactly what I will do. I created a version of myself that drinks herb tea, and wakes up early to blog. A version of myself who expresses emotions instead of running away. A version that is smart, and witty, and pretty. A version of myself who will work for 7 hours, work on the website for 2 and will make dinner with a friend. A version of myself that loves summer, well maybe not quite, is okay with summer. LEts be realistic.