All F*%ked up

I am a mess. A big hot mess.

It’s spring, and like everything else in nature I’m in heat. But sadly a few months of hashimotos flare, being sick and stressed, I don’t FEEL sexy. I’m depleted. I need a week off all my jobs and by myself. But I am afraid if I stop everything this delicately balanced shit storm will come toppling down. I’ll return to a pile of ruins.

It’s everything. My parents trying to navigate life changes because of Dad’s Parkinson’s. My new-ish job is fantastic, but there is an overwhelming amount of work to do. And like the maniac I am I want to do it all. So I feel like I not really nailing anything, and just doing everything okay. A fate worst than death for an overachiever.

The Website is doing well, have you been there? But again, at the end of a work day I haven’t got much left and time is an issue. I haven’t done much with Beautycounter in a few weeks, but use it, lol I love makeup and sometimes eyeshadow is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Legit. Eyeshadow. It is that good.

I have let myself get fat. Well, I don’t know there was much “letting”. Like I mentioned I had a pretty bad flare. I would like to thank stress and a poor work-life balance. I am back to my heaviest weight ever. 205 lbs. Which, fine, all that number is isn’t tangible. It is merely the earths gravitational pull on my body. The amount of water I displace in a bathtub. Which means more mass, more water displacement. I’m saving the environment. Win.

But my back up chin is lurking around, and I have classic cortisol belly fat hanging around my middle. Making me feel frumpy, sad and tired.

I decided it was time to do something. I hired a personal trainer and told her about my thyroid, my genetic disease and that I was weak and in need of body awareness. I’ve worked out with her twice now, she is amazing.

I rearranged my life to take care of my physical health. It felt like a dire situation. A 3 week long headache and a very real eminent feeling of a crash coming on took the choice away. Letting go of some stress and working on my work life balance is next.

My emotional health, and my confidence is a harder recovery…

3 weeks ago I matched with a man on Tinder. I was especially excited as we had matched a few months ago on another platform, but the match timed out. This guy, wow, brown guy a couple years older, with a killer smile, beard and biceps. I swoon. AND he life’s in the same town as me!!! I was so excited. We chatted, exchanged numbers and met up. It was the best date I have been on in YEARS, likely since Caramel Latte. SO amazing. He is smart, driven, intuitive and better looking in real life. I was really excited. I was going to devour this man. I was hoping he would want to rub his beard on me. All. Over. Me.

We saw each other a couple more times, but it felt like he wasn’t totally into me. He repeatedly mentioned being an empath, and and an introvert. Almost like he was warning me that he would disappear. Lol. He had a warning flag relationship with alcohol, and drank every time we hung out (day date booze, cool). He cancelled our plans a couple times. Or rescheduled. I get having things going on, the burden of being an empath, depression, anxiety, having parents that you aren’t responsible for, but you want to help. All things going on with him.

He was great at returning texts, but he never initiated. And I couldn’t stop. I’d check in, tell him to have a great day, just mention he was on my mind. I was investing energy, and it was feeding my insecurity.

I took a deep breath, and deleted his number and contact info. I deleted him from tinder. I decided I could use the cardio but didn’t have the time to chase this man. I haven’t heard from him since. This also hurt me and fed my insecurity. But without doing this I would never regain my power. I am powerful. I simply forgot.

In the midst of all this I arranged another date and got stood up. I was in a tail spin of self pity. Dudes want to fuck me, no one wants to date me. And these guys can’t even make time for casual sex based relationships. WTF. Even Caramel latte as my opposite sex life partner, best friend and business partner doesn’t want to date me. My ex of nearly 10 years didn’t want to marry me. I have always chosen men who are emotionally unavailable. Withholding or unable to commit. I am flawed and un-lovable. This was the negative feedback loop I was running thru. I am not enough.

The problem with telling your stuff this bullshit, is that it becomes true. And I was right, I am not enough. I’m not compassionate enough with myself. I don’t invest enough to myself. I don’t make myself a priority. Really I’ve been awful to myself. How do I expect anyone to love me when I haven’t been loving myself? I have been guarded with myself.

This needs to stop. Now there is a plan of attack. Take time for myself. Go OUT and flirt. Do things to make myself feel better. Get rid of the useless guilt. Take back my power. Love myself.

What do you do for self love? I’m looking for ideas.


One thought on “All F*%ked up

  1. Anthony R says:

    I’m not sure if you’ve gotten any replies yet and I’m only 23 but you’re ASTONISHINGLY beautiful,Seriously.Im honestly amazed by the things you mentioned of no one wanting to be with you because you some like a very intelligent woman AND you are beyond drop dead gorgeous! The best of both worlds so just keep your head up and you’re bound to find the right one!

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