Category Archives: Weight loss – self improvement

Hey, I might like you… here is a picture of my dick. :-)

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Hey Ya’ll! How the heck have you been? Miss me? I have been eating paleo the last month so been sticking fairly close to home, hard to meet for drinks or coffee dates when you aren’t drinking. And no sitting at starbucks blogging either.

Okay, last time I wrote here I told you about a guy who rejected me. a few weeks later he texted me. Whatever else he had going on must have fell thru. Well, after a quick text to my friend T, we decided – fuck that guy. He missed his window. I did reply, but kept it icy. I’m no back up plan. And the more he texted me the less I liked him.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates, and some random texts from old flames. I did get a few dick pictures from a tinder meet. Holy horse cock. Hahaha. Since the cock shot shares, I see he isn’t on tinder anymore, so someone must have been adventurous enough to tackle the gigantic monstrosity, you know what, I’m sharing it. I’ll just snip it a bit. Hahah. Snip it…. My immediate reaction was fear. Pretty sure I have an average sized vagina, that equipment would bruise my poor lady parts.

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I’ve been working hard on improving my mood, before christmas and most of last fall I was feeling low. Depression had crept in along with stress, a few extra pounds and under eating. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide out, but then would beat myself up for that. Instead of enjoying the rest and relaxing.

I’ve also tried to say yes to more things. Dinner with friends? Yes. Trip to Portland with my Ex? Yes. That’s right, a potentially awkward weekend away was a great time. We had some drinks, did a pub crawl, caught a basketball game and rang in the new year. Really great time. Are we rekindling a romantic flame? Nope. Not a chance. Not again. But he did mention (while drunk) he didn’t realize how good he had it with me. So there was a little vindication.

I was madly flirting with a friend of a friend a couple weeks ago at a games night. I told Cherise about my new boyfriend and that I intended to flirt my face off later that night, that I was almost ready to tell him he was my new boyfriend because I had seen him at a handful of events now. Well… I did flirt, we sat next to each other, leg against leg, I was TOTALLY in there! He gave me his phone number. Conquest complete. And then it happened. I made some reference about something in pop culture that he didn’t get. This was odd, he gets all my jokes, and is smart enough to know how funny I am. But he didn’t get this… suspicion crept in. How old is this man? Is he actually a boy, was I the oldest person in the room? Was I preying on him? Yes, I was, but was I cougaring him, not just preying? Shit. He is 25. Really? Ugh. I laughed, he said “almost 26” like that makes it any better. Dammit. We might have to break up. These imaginary relationships can be so hard.

Speaking of men far too young for my the 22 year old broke up with his girlfriend. Sigh. I feel mixed emotions about it, He is SO good for my ego. And he CALLS me. I know… uses that text and internet device I carry around with me to verbally communicate. But although he has gotten older, so have I. And he still lives a ways away. I have now realized I am not preying on him, but I think he may be hunting this cougar. And if I date a man 12 years my junior I can justifiably be called a “cougar.” I have been entertaining the idea of a t-shirt. I think it should say something along the lines of “must be this tall to ride” but should have a born-before date.

I went to Seattle for a weekend with my Blog buddy, we caught Super Bowl in the emerald city and had a little post game bar hop. We met a group in one bar, they left and they were already at the next bar we went to. It is the best feeling to walk into a random bar, that you have never been to before and have a table of people scream your name with excitement. I felt like a rock star. And I had a man tell me he “Loved his girlfriend, but I was truly extraordinary”. Awe. I wasn’t interested in anything but taking off my boots and brushing my teeth at that point. But good to hear for external validation none the less.

I have a lunch date today with a man of an appropriate age, and a couple on the hook for next week meet ups. No dick pics this week, but I am hopeful for next week!!

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Sad single girl

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Are you ready? This is a post I have been kicking around for a while. Weeks, maybe even months. Seems like there is never a good time, I SHOULD be doing many other things, “hey there… piles of junk stacked all over, way to clutter not only my space but my mind too.” Oh work, sure, yeah, I don’t need a life, I’ll just cover that shift, or stay late to get shit done. Website, although I am passionate about it, it’s all so overwhelming sometimes, and working with 10 min of daylight if I’m lucky any day. Well. Yuck. I don’t even want to start on the lack of Gym time.
Okay. I am 35. It kind of snuck up on me. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare or celebration. I spent the day at home in my PJ’s. I talked to my parents, as they remembered this year (my mom never knows what day it is, so remembering date dependant events has never been her strength, Dad reminded her). Mom said “a break down doesn’t need to happen today.” So I shut out the world and warded off my breakdown.
How did this happen? It was a blink ago I was so HOT, and dancing on bars. I was going places, meeting people. I had plans. Get married, have kids, own a bar. Now I find myself 35, single, no kids, no bar (thank goodness). 35 is closer to 40 than 20. Yuck again. Yuck.
I’m still fairly attractive I suppose, how is that statement for wishy washy…I mean, I feel soft and frumpy right at the moment, but I have my charms. I am clean, for 35 I don’t have any grey, and my smile lines are developing nicely, but I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles.
So why the heck was this last birthday so tough? I mean honestly, I have a fabulous life. I don’t have to watch anything on TV I don’t want to. I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to. Had a rough day and feel like going home for a nap? Yeah, I can do that. I have no one but myself to provide for, feed and take care of. I mean, shit, once I pay rent, a can squander the rest of my money on animal print accessories, chocolates and things that sparkle. I feel like going for a drive and not coming home for 3 days, I can do that too. I am foot lose and fancy free.
It’s lonely.
And there are all sorts of social pressures. “You are STILL single.” “Don’t you want kids?” Blah blah blah. I resist my immediate response to tell people I am emotionally unavailable, and I pick men just like me. I want to cry . I want to laugh. I want to say “there must be a terrible flaw in me.” I want to give them a slow blink, turn on my (often awesome candy color stiletto) heel and walk away without muttering a single word.
I refuse to be in a relationship for the sake of not being single. And well, I don’t meet people sitting at home working on my food blog.
Some things need to immediately change. Covering shifts at work. Well, there will be an apathy flush. I am taking care of myself. Exercise. Every day. Has to happen. And blogging, writing for the sake of writing, likely on here because the other blog isn’t really mine, is good for my mental health. I can’t promise a lot, but so you know, I’m alive and struggling thru, and writing for you is on my radar. I will share my sad single girl tales…

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I’m not supposed to cry.

It’s bad for my lash extensions. Yes I am vain enough to go in every 3-6 weeks and have my girl individually glue on fake eyelashes. I do this, because, well, it makes me feel pretty. I rarely wear any chemical filled makeup, and I can stay in bed until the last possible second in the morning, then have a 10 minute shower, forget to put on deodorant, and go to work.
I am not supposed to hold back when I feel like crying because it’s bad for my chakras, emotional build up and overall health. It’s a conundrum.
So why is a girl who should feel pretty with her fancy new eyelashes, crying? I’m feeling rejected. I’m frustrated. I haven’t eaten enough today. I’m going to break down the how, what, and why.
It is insane at work right now. NUTS. We are up considerably over last years sales, and the store already does huge volume. We do millions in sales every year, and with a new till system plus increased volume, I’m a little stressed.
Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
My computer situation hasn’t improved. It’s broken, the other one has a virus and is slow, and the web browser on my iPad isn’t super cooperative for blogging recipes. I can’t upload pictures from my website partners windows/android platforms to my apple gear, and I generally find the actual writing of the recipes, well, if I was an oyster I would have made a few pearls. Cooking, love it, photos, all new to me, but okay, I have an artistic eye, sort of. Writing, I must for my well being, but messing around with spacing etc and putting in the recipes. Blech. And photo editing I may enjoy, but now, I am so completely clueless about it all. I hate not being an expert. HATE not being the best, fastest, smartest. Right now I am learning so many things it’s all over whelming and then I don’t have time to just cook, or just write because I have to mess about with all the other stuff.
I’m feeling isolated. I haven’t reached out to my friends or family, I haven’t seen them, I haven’t been on many dates, just one hike last weekend. One glorious hour away from the website. I have spent all day at work, all evening in the kitchen fighting with an oven that’s too hot, a computer that doesn’t work and trying to master original recipes and professional quality photography. By. My. Self. I used to cook with other people, My blog cohort, but he is busy programming. I can’t grab a tea and sit in the sun blogging at starbucks while I blurt out my thoughts and feelings because I’m stuck in the kitchen, again, By. My. Self. I have submitted some photography to food porn sites, and for every picture that is accepted 5 are rejected. I don’t often hear “No” I have realized. Again, I’m used to being the one that calls the shots, that has done the homework, has read the book, not just watched the movie. I know things about things. Add rejection to the frustration that every submission takes a photo resizing, a description, a write-up, the correct and innovative tags and 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. To be rejected, because of composition, or because I can’t crop on my touch screen and I’m fighting with my tablet the entire time. It’s all so subjective. And it makes me want to throw something. Phew after that little pity party, I feel better, ish. At least I stopped sogging up my lashes.
Again, Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
I shouldn’t be blogging on here. I have been trying to drive traffic from this blog to that one. But honestly, why would you readers from here want to go over there? I haven’t put any content on there. I haven’t told any stories, or divulged any salacious tales. I haven’t been outside the kitchen. There has been no “50 shades of Holley” (thanks L, love that!). I worry maybe I’m not funny anymore. Even If I had a couple entries, the new blog, it’s like a new pair of jeans. It’s nice, looks great. We have gotten a LOT of compliments on it. But it’s not… comfortable. It doesn’t yet fit the curve of my ass quite right. There’s maybe a little chafing. I wrote a piece yesterday to post about the day a year ago I was hysterical, low, hopeless, and I used a dirty gym sock to blow my nose. My blog partner said it was too much. Too sad, too low. (more god dammed rejection). Maybe he’s right. But that’s where I was. I felt like I was at the bottom. Sunk. Disparaged. I got better. (Makes me think of monty python skit “she turned me into a newt! …I got better…) I made changes, I did the work. I had the support. I feel like people who shared in your lows subsequently are more cherished when they then get to share in your highs. Speaks to the quality of readers I had, and kept when I was Debbie downer. I feel like new readers need a little perspective on the drastic changes that can be made. The progress that can be had. The extreme swing from where I was a year ago, to where I am now, and where I could be a year from now. Maybe I’m not giving the new blog a chance. It’s like making a new friend. You can’t just push them into the deep dark end of your emotional pool. You have to coax them in, let them get comfortable with the temperature of the water, then send them into the deep end. Or off the deep end. Hahaha
I need to go eat…Dairy Queen. Because altho I have this clean eating blog, I’m still addicted to sugar. And I feel like I want to console myself, and watch trashy TV. If I get a banana split, it has fruit, that is like a salad? Yeah. Tomorrow I will yoga after work and start one of the 4 lifestyle books I bought today, maybe the 21 day sugar detox should be on the top of that list. And maybe write a recipe.

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Our new baby

OMG my blog partners post today about our new website is AMAZING. Check it out and read about my continuing adventures there!
http://theprimaldesire.com

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On my soap box for a minute

Okay, I have been consumed the last couple weeks, with trying to get the new site going, and work has exploded. Spring is here, along with a computer system upgrade and our competitors closing down for renos (I’ve heard rumblings of a sale and that they may not be re-opening anytime soon) I am busy! I am also tired of being tired. I eat well, get 8-12 hours of sleep but still could sleep all day. In fact last saturday that is just what I did. Woke up early, had a morning snooze, made brunch, had an afternoon nap, was too lazy to make dinner, ate yogurt and watched a half of a season of the walking dead, I am nearly caught up. And then was to sleep by 10pm. Ridiculous. Luckily My blog partner has been doing the majority of the framework, he’s done an amazing job. So he has been building me a new soap box, and I am going to unleash a rant on diet, calorie counting, and my sick obsession with the scale. I’m also going to address the influences that can mess up our self image. We are working on some great grain free recipes, and been taking pictures. The new site is starting to breathe and take life, very exciting!!
I am going to document, what I eat, a food diary! Along with a 10 day cleanse my naturopath has put together. We are going to fix this fatigue, my blood pressure is LOW! The low side of normal anyways, and my heart beat, although not the worst she has heard it, was weak and a little irregular. As usual I cried in her office. The first time in a couple weeks I had teared. Except when I watched the “How I met your Mother” finale, of course, I am not a gargoyle (made of stone).
I went on a couple dates last week, one tinder fellow who quite obviously was interested in “doing” me. The end. Hahaha. No thanks. Soul-less banging not on my agenda. The other guy, we talked on POF well over a year ago, but he hadn’t remembered. Lovely man, damaged and still reeling from his last break up. But looking for friendship at this point, which is totally do-able. I have a date potential lined up, he is training for the granfondo. Yes bike geek!!
Of course content for the new site is my first priority until I start my cleanse (saturday I think) then it is only second because my health is my primary concern. And I have to get up on my new soap box and rant…

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bad blogger

I haven’t forgotten, in fact blogging has been on my mind day and night the last few days. I would like to start a food blog. I have found a co-food-snob-blog partner, and we have a plan of attack. My time and attention will be focused on getting it up and running. Once we are set up, I will turn my attention back to this blog, as I will be blogging about different things on the different blogs, I’m good, I’m busy, stay posted for the new site!

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I am not as “outdoorsy” as I think I am.

Don’t misconstrue me here. I do NOT think I’m outdoorsy, just even less than I’d like to pretend to be. I am NOT athletic, the majority of my life, walking and chewing gum has been a challenge. I have the scars to prove it. Natural athletic ability, zero. Not until I spent a decade with “sporty smurf” (golf, basketball, soccer, and you name it, he played or watched) did I attempt things like tennis, biking, yoga. Just recently I have graduated to snow shoeing, paddle boarding, kayaking among other things. Now, you name it, I’ll try it, and likely it will be good for a laugh. I enjoy getting out and doing things, always been activity motivated, going and doing my thing, but a child prodigy athlete, was not in my cards, every time I left the house in my teens to try a sport or activity I’m sure my mother was expecting a phone call and a hospital visit.
In second grade the grade 7 girls found me in the bathroom running water over a wound on my leg, I had tripped walking to school (late), and needed 3 stitches. I broke my leg play fighting with a boy on the playground in grade 7, on the last day of school, 6 weeks of summer in a cast. In 8th grade we were in P.E. and helping one of my classmates, I squished my finger under a stack of cable weights, reacted and jerked it out, ripping apart my finger, I told the teacher I “broke my nail” and mid eye roll she looked at the blood pouring out of my hand and nearly fainted, 15 stitches on that beauty. Or the time in 10th grade I was running to get ice cream out of the deep freeze, tripped and put my ring thru my chin, another 5 stitches. I addition to separated shoulders, fractured nose, sprains and twists. I am a bruiser, big, ugly, purple and black turned yellow and brown. In my mid 20’s I was sitting at breakfast, sneezed, turned my head a funny way, smoked my face on the table, and gave myself a black eye. Sporty smurf was sitting across the table in astonishment watching this all happen. An afternoon mountain bike resulted in a over-the-handlebars trip, scraped leg, bear sighting and a 2k hike out of a ravine carrying my bike. Seriously couldn’t make up the stupid ways I’ve hurt myself. Grace was not a charm I was blessed with.
Yoga has helped, core strength and an acute awareness of capabilities. Body awareness and isolated muscle control. But I still regularly bite it-HARD.
My friend R and I went for a snow shoe today, probably one of the last of the year, but conditions were not terribly spring like. Inches of fresh powder. We went a few weeks ago, did a couple hour loop and had a great time. This time we were a little more ambitious? I realized I was poorly prepared last time, and tried to improve for this trip, but still came short. Hahah. I never pack enough food or water, and she had fire starter, a light, a multitool, and lots of food. I am not the person you want to get lost in the woods with, but I can walk 18 city blocks in stilettos? Erroneous for todays activities. I remembered lots of layers and tissues, but forgot them in the car. We decided on a longer intermediate loop, it was gorgeous and snowing on top of the fresh powder.
It was a hard start as I had just slammed back, 3 eggs, half an avocado, and a tall macchiato. Along with my multi vitamin, thyroid stuff and maca ginseng capsules. I was fighting back the urge to puke, trail side while being thirsty. Of course leaving the big water jug in the car. Dammit Holley.
The trail was mostly up hill and in addition to the fresh powder we were working hard. No idea how far the loop was (why isn’t this on the map?) we had the good sense to use my phone app to track us. Last time we didn’t remember till we were back to the car. Yay us.
We got lost, a couple times. We were blazing a trail thru un touched powder (well… R was, I was tracing behind). We stopped for pictures, to pee, for water drinks, and sometimes just to whine. It took us an hour to go 2K. It wasn’t looking good, my hip flexors were starting to hurt, my nose was dripping snot-sicles, and my mittens were thoroughly wet. according to the map we were maybe a quarter of the way thru our loop. R started musing about our epic adventure and the possibility of a snow cave in our future. Bahahaha. At this point I wanted to lay down and send for rescue. A little dramatic… our trail was a little more down hill and we made it another 2K in 30 min, okay, we can do this… I was turning my knees out and walking like a duck, waddling, I was waddling to use different leg muscles. We stopped for some water and mango slices, genius, thanks R, I brought granola. I stretched a little, and we checked the map. the trail didn’t show up, but the line of where we had been hinted that we were close to half way. We had to do a little back tracking, lost our trail, and had a bastard of a misplaced sign.
At this point my snot-sicle is nestled into my scarf and I barely notice it anymore. I am pretending I am in a monty python skit and am practicing my ministry of silly walks to use different leg muscles. We are down hill and on a snowmobile track so not near as much powder. We will LIVE! we will make it… I hope. And no one is around to watch the spectacle of me traipsing thru the snow. We met up with a couple ladies, they had 2 dogs and a baby with them, I can’t even take care of myself on a hike, with a baby? I was impressed. We made it back to the car, nearly 3 hours, and 7.2K. The last 500m to the car I was tempted to hunch over and pick up each leg, move it forward with my arms. I resisted that amazing display.
But according to facebook; hey everybody, check out how awesome I am, 7k snowshoe on a saturday, soooooo athletic. The truth is, tomorrow, I’ll make up for it with a long nap. Maybe two. And I harrowingly survived an outdoor experience today. Life changer.

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Well sh*#t…

right now, at this very moment I should be working. I should be paging thru 40 pages of single spaced 8pt writing to do a liquor order. I should be at the gym as I haven’t gone this week. I should be organizing my tax papers, I should be cleaning my space and getting rid of some clothes and stuff. I am not. I am scrolling thru Instagram and Facebook while enjoying a macchiato in the sun. And blogging. I did get up early, made paleo pancakes and bacon, chatted with Caramel latte, had a nap, visited my parents, enjoyed a burger 55 Duck burger (YUM!), replenished my wine rack (some good import picks from wine fest), Bought a new charging cord for my ipad as I seem to have lost 3 of them in the last week, and bought thyroid supplements. I think it (my thyroid) is still broken. I had stopped taking them to get an accurate thyroid blood test, and have been feeling tired, my hair is falling out, and my skin has a different texture. I have also been cold, I’m rarely chilled. No meds and off the paleo is bad for my hormones. And my motivation. But here goes, a walk in the sun, and then some work on a business plan. If you could purchase and eat my clean, grain free baking, and cooking, would you? I’m going to look into it. TGIF

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Maple was my gateway starbucks

Two months being disciplined, and eating Paleo. Success. The second month was a little easier, not wanting to bareknuckle fight someone for cheese. Funny the things you miss… I missed cheese. Had the odd craving for oatmeal, or rice, or toast with butter and my moms raspberry jam, but overall, manageable. I lost 7 pounds, nothing crazy, but nearly 2 inches off my waist, and a half inch off my hip. Everything else stayed the same. I didn’t hit the gym more than once or twice a week, and I really would shame myself about it. I didn’t feel up to it, but that isn’t a good enough reason for the non-compassionate asshole I tend to be to myself.

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I spent 5 days in Vancouver with Caramel latte, drinking, eating at some amazing places, and visiting friends. We had a great time, he is fun, and personable, and always up for an adventure. The dress I wore for day one, is one I bought in december, and it fit, just a touch tight in fact, and by the end of feb it was bagged out a bit in the waist. We took some pictures of our amazing room, and food, and drank so much great wine, Every meal we made friends with the table or tables beside us. Even the flash of jealousy I felt on my alone afternoon was enlightening in a way I never could have imagined. I wonder how long it takes before you heal? Past baggage will always leave a mark or scar of some sort. Caramel and I had a long conversation over Japanese BBQ, (it’s a BBQ pit in the middle of the table where you cook your own already marinated meats and veggies, plates and plates of food and sake, it was nearly 3 hours of chatting and cooking)

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I’ve been getting some ribbing from friends that although I won’t call him my “boyfriend”, he for all intensive purposes is. Well… he’s not. We match in that we aren’t sure where either of us is headed, we are both floating, drifting a bit. Enjoy each other’s company immensely and have a pile in common, but I’m afraid of losing myself again, and he seems to be afraid of hurting someone. Things between us are good, great, but it won’t be more. Which is okay for now, but for how long? I can accept that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but if he decided he did, and it wasn’t me, I would be crushed. He would be immeasurably dumb, of course, but I would be hurt. So what does this all mean? I find someone I like, (seems the trend in the last year and a half), and I close down to other options. Maybe there is someone out there even better for me? Someone as great as Caramel Latte but more focused? I still need to work on self love and compassion. I have been neglecting friends and family, I have certainly been neglecting my blog. He said something funny, as we exchanged stories on our long relationships, He said he couldn’t imagine the strong woman I am now, ever being in that situation. I could argue the woman I was before that relationship was far closer to the woman I am now, it was a flash in time, a perfect storm, a slip and fall, (here I am crying in starbucks again, dammit). Will I continue to see him? Yeah, he is great fun, but I need to stay grounded in myself and honest if my needs and wants are being fulfilled, because eventually I will want more. So more dating, but passive, and focused. Any friends of friends want to set me up? BRE said last night of all the people she knows, she is convinced I will get what I want. Everything I want. It’s out there and I will find it. I was touched. I am confident she is absolutely right.
I should stop crying at starbucks, or they should get softer napkins. I stopped packing tissues in my purse, dammit. Poor planning.
Right, nearly forgot… maple macchiato, years ago they had maple as a seasonal flavour at Starbucks, it was the only thing I could drink my anti coffee self, and makes sense as its mostly sweet maple and milk, I came in for a steamed milk to make a tea latte and saw, behold the maple is back! So excited to be reunited I ordered a venti, half sweet, and non fat. It was delicious as I knew it would be, and promptly gave me a SPLITTING headache. The caffeine, maybe, but more likely the sugar. I haven’t slept well all week, and have a general ache, I’m either getting sick or my body is protesting this non paleo diet. Is it possible I felt terrible every day and simply didn’t know any better? I would like to do a 21 day sugar detox shortly, so continuing on a clean or mostly paleo diet will help facilitate that, but I want a break. The key will be moderation, and making good choices, I cannot eat a whole slice of cake, not even one with bacon, Venti is no longer an option, whopper wednesday is a bad idea.

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All these bumps are getting me to where I need to be.

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Oh emm geee

I don’t know where to start, I have a pile of topics swimming around and I’m having a hard time just picking one. I need to commit to writing one topic and go, but I won’t. Again I get restless, and cook, or wander, watch TV, nap. Really anything to wander from my waiting list of writing topics.
Right at this moment I am watching people wander past a coffee/chocolate bar in Vancouver, not far from the hotel. I decided I wanted to go to Winefest this year, for the first time ever, and my boss was kind enough to book a hotel downtown. Caramel Latte and I have been drinking wine, and wandering around since thursday afternoon. We hooked up with a couple of my friends for sushi, and then last night dancing and some late nite pizza. I haven’t had pizza in MONTHS. I remember it being better than the stuff I had last night. He is fun, and easy to take places, he makes friends easily and we have a great time. The only hitch, I have been feeling a bit jealous. And as I write this a cute boy with a great beard and an impressive camera is sitting at the other end of this window bar. Look, look away, look, smile, he is cheering at his cell phone so I have to ask why, hockey. Nice. Anyways… jealous. Caramel Latte is cute, and personable, and although often oblivious women throw themselves at him. Because I am at a work function, I get caught up talking to people I know, and forget to flirt. Dammit. I know that I am amazing, but there is a limit, and jealousy is my insecurity screaming itself to the surface. But what on earth do I need to be insecure about? This is my world, and I have it good. But I still get that pang. Right now he has gone to meet a couple friends from when he lived here, that’s great, and I needed some quality alone time (I REALLY need a nap, damn wine hangover)
Oh… cute guy is leaving, sad face… But I get this sinking feeling, abandonment. My ex in 10 years never invited me, also never came with my friends or family, we kept our lives very separate. Caramel latte is great with my friends, and down for anything, but the invite wasn’t reciprocated. Now if I had been invited, would I have gone? I uh… don’t know, I don’t think so, I did need this alone time, or am I just saying that to myself to satiate the feelings that were dredged up this morning? I’m not sure. But I am quite proud of myself for, acknowledging my feelings, recognizing the baggage associated. I am undecided about what I will do with this wealth of information, but I feel better having put it down in black and white.

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