rejection cubed squared in a fancy box

Haha, I said box. Okay, I haven’t been to the gym in months and I feel frumpy, why wouldn’t I go on a date or two??? I know setting myself up for failure. But I have this pipe dream that I’ll find someone who accepts me just the way I am, frump and all.
I went on a lunch date with one guy, seemed nice enough, but there was nothing there, he… well… he is a welder (My brother wouldn’t approve). He was just a touch shorter than me, okay until I pull out my gianormous heels, but that wouldn’t bother me. He is a smoker. Gross. Really a deal breaker, altho he didn’t smoke in my presence. He has a 14 year old he doesn’t ever see, and seems to be flip about. Not my place to judge, but I did a little. I am a jerk. All in all there were too many no’s. And my bathing suit parts didn’t feel any different when he was around. There felt like an air of pre holiday relationship desperation about him. Like he was looking for a warm body to spend a few days over the holidays with. A date for the company christmas party to show off, and a way to cut the loneliness of the holiday season. I get it, but… doesn’t make it any better of an idea. And jokes on him, I work thru the holidays. Ha. ha. Maybe the joke is on me…
For our second date we went for dinner, and I couldn’t in good conscience let him pay for another meal knowing I had NO desire to take this any further, I paid for dinner, which sent him into shock. Then a movie, I loved it, he did not share my sense of humour. Another red flag. He made some derogatory comment about “fags” and I wanted to slap him. By this point I knew not only did I not want to date him, we wouldn’t be friends. As politely as I could I told him I wasn’t interested. Rejection is hard, even when you are dishing it out. At least it is for me- a classic people pleaser.
My second dater in 2 weeks for 2 dates was a banker, new to town, and I begrudgingly left my house to meet him for tea. He was great, uh, well, really smart, conversational, but a little bit of a dick. I can handle a dick-edge to men, as long as they are smart. Arrogant ignorant dicks, are not my thing. Our tea took up a couple hours, discussing a variety of world events, he claimed to not be looking for anything serious as he just moved to town. I like it. I’m not looking for anything serious either, I have no time. Mr. nothing serious texted me like a fiend for the next 2 days. Highly entertaining and severely sexually charged. We were going to make out. I had this feeling. Our second date was take out and documentaries on Apple TV. So if nothing else I would learn something. He… was… okay. Not amazing, but okay. Like all those texts ran out his heat. Or maybe I just wasn’t as hot in real life? We made out a bit. He wanted to go slow. Haha. I think I simply wasn’t his thing and he was trying to save my feelings. How kind of him. I haven’t heard from him since. Now it was my turn for rejection. I have a guy friend who is happily married that I dish my dates to. He claims it’s him being supportive, but I think it reinforces for him the benefits of being married. He suggested this man I went on a date with that wanted to go slow had iron will. Amazing control. I suggested it was dumb. He asked me what I would do if he called me again? I assured him it was un likely I would need to worry about it, but IF, big maybe IF he called me again, I would bang him and then never call again. Because that’s how I roll.
All hell has broken loose at work the last week, so no time for dates, but i’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and try this again in january.

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Sad single girl

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Are you ready? This is a post I have been kicking around for a while. Weeks, maybe even months. Seems like there is never a good time, I SHOULD be doing many other things, “hey there… piles of junk stacked all over, way to clutter not only my space but my mind too.” Oh work, sure, yeah, I don’t need a life, I’ll just cover that shift, or stay late to get shit done. Website, although I am passionate about it, it’s all so overwhelming sometimes, and working with 10 min of daylight if I’m lucky any day. Well. Yuck. I don’t even want to start on the lack of Gym time.
Okay. I am 35. It kind of snuck up on me. My birthday came and went without the usual fan fare or celebration. I spent the day at home in my PJ’s. I talked to my parents, as they remembered this year (my mom never knows what day it is, so remembering date dependant events has never been her strength, Dad reminded her). Mom said “a break down doesn’t need to happen today.” So I shut out the world and warded off my breakdown.
How did this happen? It was a blink ago I was so HOT, and dancing on bars. I was going places, meeting people. I had plans. Get married, have kids, own a bar. Now I find myself 35, single, no kids, no bar (thank goodness). 35 is closer to 40 than 20. Yuck again. Yuck.
I’m still fairly attractive I suppose, how is that statement for wishy washy…I mean, I feel soft and frumpy right at the moment, but I have my charms. I am clean, for 35 I don’t have any grey, and my smile lines are developing nicely, but I don’t have much in the way of wrinkles.
So why the heck was this last birthday so tough? I mean honestly, I have a fabulous life. I don’t have to watch anything on TV I don’t want to. I don’t have to wear pants if I don’t want to. Had a rough day and feel like going home for a nap? Yeah, I can do that. I have no one but myself to provide for, feed and take care of. I mean, shit, once I pay rent, a can squander the rest of my money on animal print accessories, chocolates and things that sparkle. I feel like going for a drive and not coming home for 3 days, I can do that too. I am foot lose and fancy free.
It’s lonely.
And there are all sorts of social pressures. “You are STILL single.” “Don’t you want kids?” Blah blah blah. I resist my immediate response to tell people I am emotionally unavailable, and I pick men just like me. I want to cry . I want to laugh. I want to say “there must be a terrible flaw in me.” I want to give them a slow blink, turn on my (often awesome candy color stiletto) heel and walk away without muttering a single word.
I refuse to be in a relationship for the sake of not being single. And well, I don’t meet people sitting at home working on my food blog.
Some things need to immediately change. Covering shifts at work. Well, there will be an apathy flush. I am taking care of myself. Exercise. Every day. Has to happen. And blogging, writing for the sake of writing, likely on here because the other blog isn’t really mine, is good for my mental health. I can’t promise a lot, but so you know, I’m alive and struggling thru, and writing for you is on my radar. I will share my sad single girl tales…

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I’m cool and all, but…

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I am sitting at my fave Starbucks in the corner, sipping a caramel latte. I wanted to blog about my past birthday, and how hard this one has been for me, but… well… I didn’t bring any tissues, and I will need some, it’ll be a cryer. And well, I have this amazing story to tell you now.

Those that know me, are aware, I get more dick pictures than the average single girl. Not that there has been a poll, but it seems like, I get them randomly, and often. I haven’t been on a date in 6 weeks, but I have gotten 3 random, unsolicited penis pictures in that time. I know, contain your jealously. I have a glamorous life.
I received an unsolicited monday morning dick pic. 9 am erections are apparently the most photogenic. I get it, there’s good light. A great picture needs good light. I didn’t reply. I was busy being a grown up doing work type things. Lame I know, but you know, 35 years will do that to a girl. Around noon I got another text asking why I hadn’t commented. Well. Um. I didn’t want to. After a year of texting and three dates, I knew this conversation wouldn’t go anywhere. I responded I was busy at work (true statement) but that we should hang soon. He would have to come to me. We texted back and forth for a bit and he told me he wanted a threesome. I laughed at my phone screen. I haven’t been on a one on one date in weeks, the majority of my friends are married with kids, and I just turned 35, I’m not 22. If I go to the work of orchestrating a threesome, why would I invite him? I am not against the idea, I mean, I don’t know, I might like it? But it seems like more work than I plausibly have time to organize. Plus he doesn’t have much in the way of free time, and he lives a couple hours away. All in all a threesome is not likely to be in the cards with me. I told him so. He responded with something along the lines of: you are great and all, but I don’t need to travel to get laid.
Hahaha. I feel the same way. I was simultaneously incredibly insulted and wildly amused. What on earth was I doing texting with this guy? What a colossal, truly monumental waste of time and energy. I told him I felt the same way and he came off as slightly insulted, wishing me luck out there. Like finding someone with a desire for one on one sex with a girl like me was a reach. I really need the luck. Nope. This is his deficiency, not mine. I told him I would put him on the list, you know, like a spare board if a position came available… but I won’t. I won’t call, I won’t write. I’m done. I deserve better. If it took me 35 years to realize that, I have finally found a great thing about this last birthday, I know things.

bed time, because it’s dark at 7:30pm

Well, I haven’t been on a date for a while. As predicted the firefighter ran out of time, and I ran out of motivation to chase him. He was really fit, so he ran fast. hahah. Kidding mostly. I did spend a few days in vancouver with the lovely Micah and Brooke. And then back to vancouver to attend a very cool echocardiogram ultrasound. I saw a baby!! And heard its whooshing heart. Really a miriacle, procreation, if I think of it too long it makes me sad I don’t see it in my cards. Luckily there is lots of babies/kiddies around that need my love. I did tinder a bit while in the city. Met some lovely bearded and brown men. One was, I thought, maybe a little dumb? His messages were mis-spelt and slow. But turns out, he wasn’t dumb, there was a language barrier. Well he might be dumb, but in another language. I had to break it to them gently that soon I would be GUD (geographically un-desirable) soon. Sad face in any language.
I have been standing in my kitchen for the last 5 days canning. That’s right, Domestic goddess right here. I am doing enough preserving for a family of 7. Tomato soup, salsa, pears, applesauce, peaches, ketchup, it’s been a little excessive. Back in the gym this week after a week off and looking forward it. Not feeling my super sexy self these days, drinking too much starbucks with sugar and grilled cheese sandwiches. Time to get back on the clean eating wagon, and dating. I think I can… I think I can… But of course tomorrow, after a good nights sleep.

I was cock blocked by a forrest fire. Twice.

HI! OMG! have you missed me? It’s been months, 4 months. So insane how time has flown. I wish I could say I have sooooooo many amazing stories to tell you. But sadly, that would be a lie. Why have I neglected you? Well, I started a second blog, have you seen it? It’s worth a glance, some great recipes and a couple stories, but not nearly as salacious as this one. It’s also not all about me. Lame. hahah. www.theprimaldesire.com
The second blog has been time consuming as we try to get it up and running and making some money, I hope.
Then I took on a second store. It’ll be no problem I thought, I already have a store, “it won’t be much extra work” I said. “It will make the store less busy” I said. I was wrong, a good problem to have but I did way more volume and put in way more hours. So there you have it, I worked like a maniac from may until september. 3 full-time-ish jobs. I am ready for a break down. A recent visit to my naturopath and she requested, no demanded I take some time for myself. Here I am. Writing for you, that is my “me” time.
With so much on my work plate, I haven’t been on many dates thru the summer. I texted and tindered some, but didn’t do anything remarkable.
Met a guy from Tinder (who reminded me of Vanessa’s ex), who told me women ruined tinder by turning it into a dating site, it was for hook ups. haha. Yeah. And…No.
I boy from POF contacted me after the fail of his relationship. Oh, great, back up plan. My dreams come true.
I went on a date with a banker from tinder, and we talked business. At least he told me I was pretty. Not sure why they seem surprised by this, i have recent pictures up.
I saw a guy on tinder in may that was interesting, not my usual type, tall athletic, great teeth, yes, but BLONDE! I know, crazy right??! We chatted for a couple months on tinder and I gave him my phone number. But I never heard from him. I didn’t even notice. Terrible. I was at the bar people watching with R; and this dude, make a line for our table. He starts chatting, and I recognize him. THIS is the guy from tinder who I gave my number to MONTHS ago. Is it? He is telling us about himself and the details match up. It’s him. He doesn’t recognize me? He doesn’t seem to. We flirt, we dance, I leave early. I knew I could message him online so I was being a bit of a jerk. Say goodbye without a phone number exchange, a high 5, half hug and I was out the door. I messaged him on the walk home at R’s urging. “he’s CUTE!” and hello abs for days, which I found during the half hug. But.. he is maybe dumb? I mean to not recognize me? To be fair not everyone remembers details like I do, so I message him. Did he know I was this girl from the bar tonight? He said “you looked familiar” but no, he did not realize I was one in the same. I said “well you have my number, maybe we should make out”. I am smooth. He texted me! Hurray… or something, the King told me “fuck that guy, THAT guy is dumb”. Maybe, but that guy is the first decent prospect I have had in months. And I want to touch his abs. With my face.
We text a bit, but I am out of town, so we find a day to meet up. He messages me to see if we can meet a little later and I blow him off, (not literally) Probably not going to work for me, I’m only giving this guy a small window of opportunity, regardless of his rippling 8 pack. He manages to make it work on my terms and we watch a movie. He has a 19 inch tube TV. Old school, nice! we watch “Un-hung hero” on Net flicks. A “cock-u-mentry” about a guy with a small penis. Well, we have a winning first date movie. He was sweet, rubbed my feet, we chatted a bit. He isn’t dumb, just a little obtuse maybe. The more we chat the more I feel like I should hook him up with my Ex. They have a lot in common. A true bro-mance could blossom between these two. It made me comfortable too, because then we had a lot to chat about. Not really dating material, but neither am I, (for reasons I’ll get into on another post). But I like him. I like him enough to see him again maybe.
Then I don’t hear from him for a few days. I wasn’t sure if I even liked him less than a week ago, why the heck would I feel shitty if he didn’t call? Maybe because I am spoiled by instant gratification, by boys who call, and text, and like me, dammit. Maybe because although I am working on it, I seek external reassurance that I’m pretty or smart, or sweet or whatever I need to feel about myself. That external assurance is fleeting and fickle, but the honest truth is I still seek it. I have not yet attained self love perfection. Yet.
I break down and message him. I’m cooking for the website and need a taster. Did he want to come have dinner? I got a resounding, yes. Enticing a man with food really works! We have a lovely dinner, drinking sangria on the patio on one of the last warm summer nights. He is easy to talk to, again he seems initially a lot like my ex, good or bad I haven’t yet decided. We watch another movie, “Bad words” (funny, highly recommended) and it’s a decent date. Now for the downside. At the end of september his work contract is up, and he is going back to Vancouver. He will become Geographically Un-Desirable, (GUD). Well shit. Maybe I will see him a couple times in the next month. We text a bit here and there, but nothing amazing, he volunteers as a taster whenever I need one, and we plan for a dinner date the following week. Maybe I can convince him to eat shirtless. I mean I should get SOMETHING out of the deal… maybe we will make out! I don’t even know yet. A few hours before dinner he messages me, he was called out for a fire (forestry firefighter). Booo. Cock blocked by a forest fire. Fine. Whatever. We made plans for later in the week the next week, and then he was deployed north for another forest fire. 2 weeks. Which pretty much takes us to the end of the month. And to his GUD status. Cock blocked twice. By burning trees. Perfect. But hey, everything happens for a reason… right?
I am going to hold onto: getting hit on at the bar, and having a few interesting conversations, 2 great foot rubs, and 2 movies watched. Overall a positive experience. Now to find some time in my schedule to go on a few dates…

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I’m not supposed to cry.

It’s bad for my lash extensions. Yes I am vain enough to go in every 3-6 weeks and have my girl individually glue on fake eyelashes. I do this, because, well, it makes me feel pretty. I rarely wear any chemical filled makeup, and I can stay in bed until the last possible second in the morning, then have a 10 minute shower, forget to put on deodorant, and go to work.
I am not supposed to hold back when I feel like crying because it’s bad for my chakras, emotional build up and overall health. It’s a conundrum.
So why is a girl who should feel pretty with her fancy new eyelashes, crying? I’m feeling rejected. I’m frustrated. I haven’t eaten enough today. I’m going to break down the how, what, and why.
It is insane at work right now. NUTS. We are up considerably over last years sales, and the store already does huge volume. We do millions in sales every year, and with a new till system plus increased volume, I’m a little stressed.
Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
My computer situation hasn’t improved. It’s broken, the other one has a virus and is slow, and the web browser on my iPad isn’t super cooperative for blogging recipes. I can’t upload pictures from my website partners windows/android platforms to my apple gear, and I generally find the actual writing of the recipes, well, if I was an oyster I would have made a few pearls. Cooking, love it, photos, all new to me, but okay, I have an artistic eye, sort of. Writing, I must for my well being, but messing around with spacing etc and putting in the recipes. Blech. And photo editing I may enjoy, but now, I am so completely clueless about it all. I hate not being an expert. HATE not being the best, fastest, smartest. Right now I am learning so many things it’s all over whelming and then I don’t have time to just cook, or just write because I have to mess about with all the other stuff.
I’m feeling isolated. I haven’t reached out to my friends or family, I haven’t seen them, I haven’t been on many dates, just one hike last weekend. One glorious hour away from the website. I have spent all day at work, all evening in the kitchen fighting with an oven that’s too hot, a computer that doesn’t work and trying to master original recipes and professional quality photography. By. My. Self. I used to cook with other people, My blog cohort, but he is busy programming. I can’t grab a tea and sit in the sun blogging at starbucks while I blurt out my thoughts and feelings because I’m stuck in the kitchen, again, By. My. Self. I have submitted some photography to food porn sites, and for every picture that is accepted 5 are rejected. I don’t often hear “No” I have realized. Again, I’m used to being the one that calls the shots, that has done the homework, has read the book, not just watched the movie. I know things about things. Add rejection to the frustration that every submission takes a photo resizing, a description, a write-up, the correct and innovative tags and 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. To be rejected, because of composition, or because I can’t crop on my touch screen and I’m fighting with my tablet the entire time. It’s all so subjective. And it makes me want to throw something. Phew after that little pity party, I feel better, ish. At least I stopped sogging up my lashes.
Again, Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
I shouldn’t be blogging on here. I have been trying to drive traffic from this blog to that one. But honestly, why would you readers from here want to go over there? I haven’t put any content on there. I haven’t told any stories, or divulged any salacious tales. I haven’t been outside the kitchen. There has been no “50 shades of Holley” (thanks L, love that!). I worry maybe I’m not funny anymore. Even If I had a couple entries, the new blog, it’s like a new pair of jeans. It’s nice, looks great. We have gotten a LOT of compliments on it. But it’s not… comfortable. It doesn’t yet fit the curve of my ass quite right. There’s maybe a little chafing. I wrote a piece yesterday to post about the day a year ago I was hysterical, low, hopeless, and I used a dirty gym sock to blow my nose. My blog partner said it was too much. Too sad, too low. (more god dammed rejection). Maybe he’s right. But that’s where I was. I felt like I was at the bottom. Sunk. Disparaged. I got better. (Makes me think of monty python skit “she turned me into a newt! …I got better…) I made changes, I did the work. I had the support. I feel like people who shared in your lows subsequently are more cherished when they then get to share in your highs. Speaks to the quality of readers I had, and kept when I was Debbie downer. I feel like new readers need a little perspective on the drastic changes that can be made. The progress that can be had. The extreme swing from where I was a year ago, to where I am now, and where I could be a year from now. Maybe I’m not giving the new blog a chance. It’s like making a new friend. You can’t just push them into the deep dark end of your emotional pool. You have to coax them in, let them get comfortable with the temperature of the water, then send them into the deep end. Or off the deep end. Hahaha
I need to go eat…Dairy Queen. Because altho I have this clean eating blog, I’m still addicted to sugar. And I feel like I want to console myself, and watch trashy TV. If I get a banana split, it has fruit, that is like a salad? Yeah. Tomorrow I will yoga after work and start one of the 4 lifestyle books I bought today, maybe the 21 day sugar detox should be on the top of that list. And maybe write a recipe.

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Our new baby

OMG my blog partners post today about our new website is AMAZING. Check it out and read about my continuing adventures there!
http://theprimaldesire.com

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On my soap box for a minute

Okay, I have been consumed the last couple weeks, with trying to get the new site going, and work has exploded. Spring is here, along with a computer system upgrade and our competitors closing down for renos (I’ve heard rumblings of a sale and that they may not be re-opening anytime soon) I am busy! I am also tired of being tired. I eat well, get 8-12 hours of sleep but still could sleep all day. In fact last saturday that is just what I did. Woke up early, had a morning snooze, made brunch, had an afternoon nap, was too lazy to make dinner, ate yogurt and watched a half of a season of the walking dead, I am nearly caught up. And then was to sleep by 10pm. Ridiculous. Luckily My blog partner has been doing the majority of the framework, he’s done an amazing job. So he has been building me a new soap box, and I am going to unleash a rant on diet, calorie counting, and my sick obsession with the scale. I’m also going to address the influences that can mess up our self image. We are working on some great grain free recipes, and been taking pictures. The new site is starting to breathe and take life, very exciting!!
I am going to document, what I eat, a food diary! Along with a 10 day cleanse my naturopath has put together. We are going to fix this fatigue, my blood pressure is LOW! The low side of normal anyways, and my heart beat, although not the worst she has heard it, was weak and a little irregular. As usual I cried in her office. The first time in a couple weeks I had teared. Except when I watched the “How I met your Mother” finale, of course, I am not a gargoyle (made of stone).
I went on a couple dates last week, one tinder fellow who quite obviously was interested in “doing” me. The end. Hahaha. No thanks. Soul-less banging not on my agenda. The other guy, we talked on POF well over a year ago, but he hadn’t remembered. Lovely man, damaged and still reeling from his last break up. But looking for friendship at this point, which is totally do-able. I have a date potential lined up, he is training for the granfondo. Yes bike geek!!
Of course content for the new site is my first priority until I start my cleanse (saturday I think) then it is only second because my health is my primary concern. And I have to get up on my new soap box and rant…

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bad blogger

I haven’t forgotten, in fact blogging has been on my mind day and night the last few days. I would like to start a food blog. I have found a co-food-snob-blog partner, and we have a plan of attack. My time and attention will be focused on getting it up and running. Once we are set up, I will turn my attention back to this blog, as I will be blogging about different things on the different blogs, I’m good, I’m busy, stay posted for the new site!

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