I’m cool and all, but…


I am sitting at my fave Starbucks in the corner, sipping a caramel latte. I wanted to blog about my past birthday, and how hard this one has been for me, but… well… I didn’t bring any tissues, and I will need some, it’ll be a cryer. And well, I have this amazing story to tell you now.

Those that know me, are aware, I get more dick pictures than the average single girl. Not that there has been a poll, but it seems like, I get them randomly, and often. I haven’t been on a date in 6 weeks, but I have gotten 3 random, unsolicited penis pictures in that time. I know, contain your jealously. I have a glamorous life.
I received an unsolicited monday morning dick pic. 9 am erections are apparently the most photogenic. I get it, there’s good light. A great picture needs good light. I didn’t reply. I was busy being a grown up doing work type things. Lame I know, but you know, 35 years will do that to a girl. Around noon I got another text asking why I hadn’t commented. Well. Um. I didn’t want to. After a year of texting and three dates, I knew this conversation wouldn’t go anywhere. I responded I was busy at work (true statement) but that we should hang soon. He would have to come to me. We texted back and forth for a bit and he told me he wanted a threesome. I laughed at my phone screen. I haven’t been on a one on one date in weeks, the majority of my friends are married with kids, and I just turned 35, I’m not 22. If I go to the work of orchestrating a threesome, why would I invite him? I am not against the idea, I mean, I don’t know, I might like it? But it seems like more work than I plausibly have time to organize. Plus he doesn’t have much in the way of free time, and he lives a couple hours away. All in all a threesome is not likely to be in the cards with me. I told him so. He responded with something along the lines of: you are great and all, but I don’t need to travel to get laid.
Hahaha. I feel the same way. I was simultaneously incredibly insulted and wildly amused. What on earth was I doing texting with this guy? What a colossal, truly monumental waste of time and energy. I told him I felt the same way and he came off as slightly insulted, wishing me luck out there. Like finding someone with a desire for one on one sex with a girl like me was a reach. I really need the luck. Nope. This is his deficiency, not mine. I told him I would put him on the list, you know, like a spare board if a position came available… but I won’t. I won’t call, I won’t write. I’m done. I deserve better. If it took me 35 years to realize that, I have finally found a great thing about this last birthday, I know things.


bed time, because it’s dark at 7:30pm

Well, I haven’t been on a date for a while. As predicted the firefighter ran out of time, and I ran out of motivation to chase him. He was really fit, so he ran fast. hahah. Kidding mostly. I did spend a few days in vancouver with the lovely Micah and Brooke. And then back to vancouver to attend a very cool echocardiogram ultrasound. I saw a baby!! And heard its whooshing heart. Really a miriacle, procreation, if I think of it too long it makes me sad I don’t see it in my cards. Luckily there is lots of babies/kiddies around that need my love. I did tinder a bit while in the city. Met some lovely bearded and brown men. One was, I thought, maybe a little dumb? His messages were mis-spelt and slow. But turns out, he wasn’t dumb, there was a language barrier. Well he might be dumb, but in another language. I had to break it to them gently that soon I would be GUD (geographically un-desirable) soon. Sad face in any language.
I have been standing in my kitchen for the last 5 days canning. That’s right, Domestic goddess right here. I am doing enough preserving for a family of 7. Tomato soup, salsa, pears, applesauce, peaches, ketchup, it’s been a little excessive. Back in the gym this week after a week off and looking forward it. Not feeling my super sexy self these days, drinking too much starbucks with sugar and grilled cheese sandwiches. Time to get back on the clean eating wagon, and dating. I think I can… I think I can… But of course tomorrow, after a good nights sleep.

I was cock blocked by a forrest fire. Twice.

HI! OMG! have you missed me? It’s been months, 4 months. So insane how time has flown. I wish I could say I have sooooooo many amazing stories to tell you. But sadly, that would be a lie. Why have I neglected you? Well, I started a second blog, have you seen it? It’s worth a glance, some great recipes and a couple stories, but not nearly as salacious as this one. It’s also not all about me. Lame. hahah. www.theprimaldesire.com
The second blog has been time consuming as we try to get it up and running and making some money, I hope.
Then I took on a second store. It’ll be no problem I thought, I already have a store, “it won’t be much extra work” I said. “It will make the store less busy” I said. I was wrong, a good problem to have but I did way more volume and put in way more hours. So there you have it, I worked like a maniac from may until september. 3 full-time-ish jobs. I am ready for a break down. A recent visit to my naturopath and she requested, no demanded I take some time for myself. Here I am. Writing for you, that is my “me” time.
With so much on my work plate, I haven’t been on many dates thru the summer. I texted and tindered some, but didn’t do anything remarkable.
Met a guy from Tinder (who reminded me of Vanessa’s ex), who told me women ruined tinder by turning it into a dating site, it was for hook ups. haha. Yeah. And…No.
I boy from POF contacted me after the fail of his relationship. Oh, great, back up plan. My dreams come true.
I went on a date with a banker from tinder, and we talked business. At least he told me I was pretty. Not sure why they seem surprised by this, i have recent pictures up.
I saw a guy on tinder in may that was interesting, not my usual type, tall athletic, great teeth, yes, but BLONDE! I know, crazy right??! We chatted for a couple months on tinder and I gave him my phone number. But I never heard from him. I didn’t even notice. Terrible. I was at the bar people watching with R; and this dude, make a line for our table. He starts chatting, and I recognize him. THIS is the guy from tinder who I gave my number to MONTHS ago. Is it? He is telling us about himself and the details match up. It’s him. He doesn’t recognize me? He doesn’t seem to. We flirt, we dance, I leave early. I knew I could message him online so I was being a bit of a jerk. Say goodbye without a phone number exchange, a high 5, half hug and I was out the door. I messaged him on the walk home at R’s urging. “he’s CUTE!” and hello abs for days, which I found during the half hug. But.. he is maybe dumb? I mean to not recognize me? To be fair not everyone remembers details like I do, so I message him. Did he know I was this girl from the bar tonight? He said “you looked familiar” but no, he did not realize I was one in the same. I said “well you have my number, maybe we should make out”. I am smooth. He texted me! Hurray… or something, the King told me “fuck that guy, THAT guy is dumb”. Maybe, but that guy is the first decent prospect I have had in months. And I want to touch his abs. With my face.
We text a bit, but I am out of town, so we find a day to meet up. He messages me to see if we can meet a little later and I blow him off, (not literally) Probably not going to work for me, I’m only giving this guy a small window of opportunity, regardless of his rippling 8 pack. He manages to make it work on my terms and we watch a movie. He has a 19 inch tube TV. Old school, nice! we watch “Un-hung hero” on Net flicks. A “cock-u-mentry” about a guy with a small penis. Well, we have a winning first date movie. He was sweet, rubbed my feet, we chatted a bit. He isn’t dumb, just a little obtuse maybe. The more we chat the more I feel like I should hook him up with my Ex. They have a lot in common. A true bro-mance could blossom between these two. It made me comfortable too, because then we had a lot to chat about. Not really dating material, but neither am I, (for reasons I’ll get into on another post). But I like him. I like him enough to see him again maybe.
Then I don’t hear from him for a few days. I wasn’t sure if I even liked him less than a week ago, why the heck would I feel shitty if he didn’t call? Maybe because I am spoiled by instant gratification, by boys who call, and text, and like me, dammit. Maybe because although I am working on it, I seek external reassurance that I’m pretty or smart, or sweet or whatever I need to feel about myself. That external assurance is fleeting and fickle, but the honest truth is I still seek it. I have not yet attained self love perfection. Yet.
I break down and message him. I’m cooking for the website and need a taster. Did he want to come have dinner? I got a resounding, yes. Enticing a man with food really works! We have a lovely dinner, drinking sangria on the patio on one of the last warm summer nights. He is easy to talk to, again he seems initially a lot like my ex, good or bad I haven’t yet decided. We watch another movie, “Bad words” (funny, highly recommended) and it’s a decent date. Now for the downside. At the end of september his work contract is up, and he is going back to Vancouver. He will become Geographically Un-Desirable, (GUD). Well shit. Maybe I will see him a couple times in the next month. We text a bit here and there, but nothing amazing, he volunteers as a taster whenever I need one, and we plan for a dinner date the following week. Maybe I can convince him to eat shirtless. I mean I should get SOMETHING out of the deal… maybe we will make out! I don’t even know yet. A few hours before dinner he messages me, he was called out for a fire (forestry firefighter). Booo. Cock blocked by a forest fire. Fine. Whatever. We made plans for later in the week the next week, and then he was deployed north for another forest fire. 2 weeks. Which pretty much takes us to the end of the month. And to his GUD status. Cock blocked twice. By burning trees. Perfect. But hey, everything happens for a reason… right?
I am going to hold onto: getting hit on at the bar, and having a few interesting conversations, 2 great foot rubs, and 2 movies watched. Overall a positive experience. Now to find some time in my schedule to go on a few dates…

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I’m not supposed to cry.

It’s bad for my lash extensions. Yes I am vain enough to go in every 3-6 weeks and have my girl individually glue on fake eyelashes. I do this, because, well, it makes me feel pretty. I rarely wear any chemical filled makeup, and I can stay in bed until the last possible second in the morning, then have a 10 minute shower, forget to put on deodorant, and go to work.
I am not supposed to hold back when I feel like crying because it’s bad for my chakras, emotional build up and overall health. It’s a conundrum.
So why is a girl who should feel pretty with her fancy new eyelashes, crying? I’m feeling rejected. I’m frustrated. I haven’t eaten enough today. I’m going to break down the how, what, and why.
It is insane at work right now. NUTS. We are up considerably over last years sales, and the store already does huge volume. We do millions in sales every year, and with a new till system plus increased volume, I’m a little stressed.
Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
My computer situation hasn’t improved. It’s broken, the other one has a virus and is slow, and the web browser on my iPad isn’t super cooperative for blogging recipes. I can’t upload pictures from my website partners windows/android platforms to my apple gear, and I generally find the actual writing of the recipes, well, if I was an oyster I would have made a few pearls. Cooking, love it, photos, all new to me, but okay, I have an artistic eye, sort of. Writing, I must for my well being, but messing around with spacing etc and putting in the recipes. Blech. And photo editing I may enjoy, but now, I am so completely clueless about it all. I hate not being an expert. HATE not being the best, fastest, smartest. Right now I am learning so many things it’s all over whelming and then I don’t have time to just cook, or just write because I have to mess about with all the other stuff.
I’m feeling isolated. I haven’t reached out to my friends or family, I haven’t seen them, I haven’t been on many dates, just one hike last weekend. One glorious hour away from the website. I have spent all day at work, all evening in the kitchen fighting with an oven that’s too hot, a computer that doesn’t work and trying to master original recipes and professional quality photography. By. My. Self. I used to cook with other people, My blog cohort, but he is busy programming. I can’t grab a tea and sit in the sun blogging at starbucks while I blurt out my thoughts and feelings because I’m stuck in the kitchen, again, By. My. Self. I have submitted some photography to food porn sites, and for every picture that is accepted 5 are rejected. I don’t often hear “No” I have realized. Again, I’m used to being the one that calls the shots, that has done the homework, has read the book, not just watched the movie. I know things about things. Add rejection to the frustration that every submission takes a photo resizing, a description, a write-up, the correct and innovative tags and 15 minutes of my life that I will never get back. To be rejected, because of composition, or because I can’t crop on my touch screen and I’m fighting with my tablet the entire time. It’s all so subjective. And it makes me want to throw something. Phew after that little pity party, I feel better, ish. At least I stopped sogging up my lashes.
Again, Cortisol, it’s a mother f@#ker.
I shouldn’t be blogging on here. I have been trying to drive traffic from this blog to that one. But honestly, why would you readers from here want to go over there? I haven’t put any content on there. I haven’t told any stories, or divulged any salacious tales. I haven’t been outside the kitchen. There has been no “50 shades of Holley” (thanks L, love that!). I worry maybe I’m not funny anymore. Even If I had a couple entries, the new blog, it’s like a new pair of jeans. It’s nice, looks great. We have gotten a LOT of compliments on it. But it’s not… comfortable. It doesn’t yet fit the curve of my ass quite right. There’s maybe a little chafing. I wrote a piece yesterday to post about the day a year ago I was hysterical, low, hopeless, and I used a dirty gym sock to blow my nose. My blog partner said it was too much. Too sad, too low. (more god dammed rejection). Maybe he’s right. But that’s where I was. I felt like I was at the bottom. Sunk. Disparaged. I got better. (Makes me think of monty python skit “she turned me into a newt! …I got better…) I made changes, I did the work. I had the support. I feel like people who shared in your lows subsequently are more cherished when they then get to share in your highs. Speaks to the quality of readers I had, and kept when I was Debbie downer. I feel like new readers need a little perspective on the drastic changes that can be made. The progress that can be had. The extreme swing from where I was a year ago, to where I am now, and where I could be a year from now. Maybe I’m not giving the new blog a chance. It’s like making a new friend. You can’t just push them into the deep dark end of your emotional pool. You have to coax them in, let them get comfortable with the temperature of the water, then send them into the deep end. Or off the deep end. Hahaha
I need to go eat…Dairy Queen. Because altho I have this clean eating blog, I’m still addicted to sugar. And I feel like I want to console myself, and watch trashy TV. If I get a banana split, it has fruit, that is like a salad? Yeah. Tomorrow I will yoga after work and start one of the 4 lifestyle books I bought today, maybe the 21 day sugar detox should be on the top of that list. And maybe write a recipe.

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Our new baby

OMG my blog partners post today about our new website is AMAZING. Check it out and read about my continuing adventures there!

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On my soap box for a minute

Okay, I have been consumed the last couple weeks, with trying to get the new site going, and work has exploded. Spring is here, along with a computer system upgrade and our competitors closing down for renos (I’ve heard rumblings of a sale and that they may not be re-opening anytime soon) I am busy! I am also tired of being tired. I eat well, get 8-12 hours of sleep but still could sleep all day. In fact last saturday that is just what I did. Woke up early, had a morning snooze, made brunch, had an afternoon nap, was too lazy to make dinner, ate yogurt and watched a half of a season of the walking dead, I am nearly caught up. And then was to sleep by 10pm. Ridiculous. Luckily My blog partner has been doing the majority of the framework, he’s done an amazing job. So he has been building me a new soap box, and I am going to unleash a rant on diet, calorie counting, and my sick obsession with the scale. I’m also going to address the influences that can mess up our self image. We are working on some great grain free recipes, and been taking pictures. The new site is starting to breathe and take life, very exciting!!
I am going to document, what I eat, a food diary! Along with a 10 day cleanse my naturopath has put together. We are going to fix this fatigue, my blood pressure is LOW! The low side of normal anyways, and my heart beat, although not the worst she has heard it, was weak and a little irregular. As usual I cried in her office. The first time in a couple weeks I had teared. Except when I watched the “How I met your Mother” finale, of course, I am not a gargoyle (made of stone).
I went on a couple dates last week, one tinder fellow who quite obviously was interested in “doing” me. The end. Hahaha. No thanks. Soul-less banging not on my agenda. The other guy, we talked on POF well over a year ago, but he hadn’t remembered. Lovely man, damaged and still reeling from his last break up. But looking for friendship at this point, which is totally do-able. I have a date potential lined up, he is training for the granfondo. Yes bike geek!!
Of course content for the new site is my first priority until I start my cleanse (saturday I think) then it is only second because my health is my primary concern. And I have to get up on my new soap box and rant…

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bad blogger

I haven’t forgotten, in fact blogging has been on my mind day and night the last few days. I would like to start a food blog. I have found a co-food-snob-blog partner, and we have a plan of attack. My time and attention will be focused on getting it up and running. Once we are set up, I will turn my attention back to this blog, as I will be blogging about different things on the different blogs, I’m good, I’m busy, stay posted for the new site!

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I am not as “outdoorsy” as I think I am.

Don’t misconstrue me here. I do NOT think I’m outdoorsy, just even less than I’d like to pretend to be. I am NOT athletic, the majority of my life, walking and chewing gum has been a challenge. I have the scars to prove it. Natural athletic ability, zero. Not until I spent a decade with “sporty smurf” (golf, basketball, soccer, and you name it, he played or watched) did I attempt things like tennis, biking, yoga. Just recently I have graduated to snow shoeing, paddle boarding, kayaking among other things. Now, you name it, I’ll try it, and likely it will be good for a laugh. I enjoy getting out and doing things, always been activity motivated, going and doing my thing, but a child prodigy athlete, was not in my cards, every time I left the house in my teens to try a sport or activity I’m sure my mother was expecting a phone call and a hospital visit.
In second grade the grade 7 girls found me in the bathroom running water over a wound on my leg, I had tripped walking to school (late), and needed 3 stitches. I broke my leg play fighting with a boy on the playground in grade 7, on the last day of school, 6 weeks of summer in a cast. In 8th grade we were in P.E. and helping one of my classmates, I squished my finger under a stack of cable weights, reacted and jerked it out, ripping apart my finger, I told the teacher I “broke my nail” and mid eye roll she looked at the blood pouring out of my hand and nearly fainted, 15 stitches on that beauty. Or the time in 10th grade I was running to get ice cream out of the deep freeze, tripped and put my ring thru my chin, another 5 stitches. I addition to separated shoulders, fractured nose, sprains and twists. I am a bruiser, big, ugly, purple and black turned yellow and brown. In my mid 20’s I was sitting at breakfast, sneezed, turned my head a funny way, smoked my face on the table, and gave myself a black eye. Sporty smurf was sitting across the table in astonishment watching this all happen. An afternoon mountain bike resulted in a over-the-handlebars trip, scraped leg, bear sighting and a 2k hike out of a ravine carrying my bike. Seriously couldn’t make up the stupid ways I’ve hurt myself. Grace was not a charm I was blessed with.
Yoga has helped, core strength and an acute awareness of capabilities. Body awareness and isolated muscle control. But I still regularly bite it-HARD.
My friend R and I went for a snow shoe today, probably one of the last of the year, but conditions were not terribly spring like. Inches of fresh powder. We went a few weeks ago, did a couple hour loop and had a great time. This time we were a little more ambitious? I realized I was poorly prepared last time, and tried to improve for this trip, but still came short. Hahah. I never pack enough food or water, and she had fire starter, a light, a multitool, and lots of food. I am not the person you want to get lost in the woods with, but I can walk 18 city blocks in stilettos? Erroneous for todays activities. I remembered lots of layers and tissues, but forgot them in the car. We decided on a longer intermediate loop, it was gorgeous and snowing on top of the fresh powder.
It was a hard start as I had just slammed back, 3 eggs, half an avocado, and a tall macchiato. Along with my multi vitamin, thyroid stuff and maca ginseng capsules. I was fighting back the urge to puke, trail side while being thirsty. Of course leaving the big water jug in the car. Dammit Holley.
The trail was mostly up hill and in addition to the fresh powder we were working hard. No idea how far the loop was (why isn’t this on the map?) we had the good sense to use my phone app to track us. Last time we didn’t remember till we were back to the car. Yay us.
We got lost, a couple times. We were blazing a trail thru un touched powder (well… R was, I was tracing behind). We stopped for pictures, to pee, for water drinks, and sometimes just to whine. It took us an hour to go 2K. It wasn’t looking good, my hip flexors were starting to hurt, my nose was dripping snot-sicles, and my mittens were thoroughly wet. according to the map we were maybe a quarter of the way thru our loop. R started musing about our epic adventure and the possibility of a snow cave in our future. Bahahaha. At this point I wanted to lay down and send for rescue. A little dramatic… our trail was a little more down hill and we made it another 2K in 30 min, okay, we can do this… I was turning my knees out and walking like a duck, waddling, I was waddling to use different leg muscles. We stopped for some water and mango slices, genius, thanks R, I brought granola. I stretched a little, and we checked the map. the trail didn’t show up, but the line of where we had been hinted that we were close to half way. We had to do a little back tracking, lost our trail, and had a bastard of a misplaced sign.
At this point my snot-sicle is nestled into my scarf and I barely notice it anymore. I am pretending I am in a monty python skit and am practicing my ministry of silly walks to use different leg muscles. We are down hill and on a snowmobile track so not near as much powder. We will LIVE! we will make it… I hope. And no one is around to watch the spectacle of me traipsing thru the snow. We met up with a couple ladies, they had 2 dogs and a baby with them, I can’t even take care of myself on a hike, with a baby? I was impressed. We made it back to the car, nearly 3 hours, and 7.2K. The last 500m to the car I was tempted to hunch over and pick up each leg, move it forward with my arms. I resisted that amazing display.
But according to facebook; hey everybody, check out how awesome I am, 7k snowshoe on a saturday, soooooo athletic. The truth is, tomorrow, I’ll make up for it with a long nap. Maybe two. And I harrowingly survived an outdoor experience today. Life changer.





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No makeup selfie

I have eyelash extensions, my vanity runs so deep that I am never without enhancement. Well lucky you, I took all my lashes off and had the sense to snap a pic before getting a new set.
My skin, is screaming at me, gluten? Sugar? Dehydrated? Broken thyroid? All of the above? I have been smearing coconut oil on my face, morning, noon, and night. But you can see, I’m getting a brow furrow, (likely from managerial duties), and smile lines, which I earned, and I am proud of.