Tag Archives: self improvement

oh hello there old friend…

So, looks like it’s been a while since my last post… I am sorry.  Really, and truely and I always make promises to blog more, but this time I won’t make that promise, and maybe that means I will actually write more.  Maybe, I’m not psychicic.  Just hopeful.  

You may be asking “what wild and crazy shenanigans has Holley been up to to prevent her from dancing her fingers across the keyboard to weave a tale for us all?”  Or maybe you are asking yourself “why has Holley started talking about herself in the third person?”  Well, both are valid questions.  Let’s start with the first one.

What have I been doing?

That is an excellent question.  What have I been doing?  I… umm… well.  I can tell you what I haven’t been doing.  Dating.  Haven’t been on a date since the “no chemistry viticultualist” MONTHS ago.  I haven’t been exercising.  Or cleaning my house.  Or doing any number of other things I probably SHOULD be doing.  Although I have sucessfully cleaned off my PVR.  Yes, you heard me right, I not only watched all the TV I had recorded, but I then deleted all the shows.  It was stressful, but what an amazing sense of acomplishment.  PVR clean!  BOOM!  Are you impressed?  I’m impressed.

I have been busy, work fell apart a bit, I have hired 9 new employees in the last 8 weeks.  That’s some stress.  I broke my favourite camera lense, so posting for http://www.theprimaldesire.com has been a little more difficult.  And then have been traveling around the valley doing fun things, in my spare time, in no particular order:  I spent a romantic get away weekend at sparkling hill with my BFF.  I attended my god daughters princess party.  I went to oyster fest in osoyoos.  I cat-sat for 2 weeks while a friend went to Europe, I used her convection oven, gym and hottub.  I went to a VQA wine show with my senior staff.  I spent a weekend in Salmon arm at the beautiful prestige harbour front resort, just a little solo get away.  I spent a couple nights in vernon hotels, for Dr. appt’s and mini solo get aways.  I cat-sat for my friend K which ment long soaking baths and watching entire seasons of Newsroom and Girls.  I took my cousin to her very first concert, Def Leppard.  I went with my Ex to Marilyn Manson, that was amazing people watching.  I went to, So You Think You Can Dance, and Celtic Thunder.  I attended and outdoor beer festival.  I went to my good friend “The King” wedding.  I was sick, so sick, spent 5 days in bed sick, I hadn’t been that sick in years.  I suppose if I could have kept my eyes open long enough I could have used that time to blog.  But I couldn’t, so I didn’t.  I have done a 21 day meditation challenge, and a 30 day paleo challenge.  And started going thru my closet, which is a daunting task.

I have deffinately been on the go, but I feel frumpy, My house is a mess, and I haven’t checked my dating profile messages in so long they will probably be deleted users by the time I get to them!  And of course there is the neglected blog.  So although I have been doing a better job of doing things for myself, I haven’t been doing great things in taking care of my physical or romantic health.  Dammit. 

I wonder if I could outsource this?   Anyone willing to take that position?  You will be met with some considerable resistance, especially initially, as I don’t do well with being told what to do.  Or being nagged.  But what I have been doing obviously isn’t working.  Or maybe I need to be compassionate with myself that things, some things at least are different, and that my progress will come, with equal parts persistance and patience.  Ohh, and alliteration apparently, progress, persistance, patience.  Let’s go with that for now.  I need to get 30 min of walking in and take some recipe pictures before dark… till we meet again my dear friends… 

  


 
  

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Hey, I might like you… here is a picture of my dick. :-)

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Hey Ya’ll! How the heck have you been? Miss me? I have been eating paleo the last month so been sticking fairly close to home, hard to meet for drinks or coffee dates when you aren’t drinking. And no sitting at starbucks blogging either.

Okay, last time I wrote here I told you about a guy who rejected me. a few weeks later he texted me. Whatever else he had going on must have fell thru. Well, after a quick text to my friend T, we decided – fuck that guy. He missed his window. I did reply, but kept it icy. I’m no back up plan. And the more he texted me the less I liked him.

I’ve been on a couple casual dates, and some random texts from old flames. I did get a few dick pictures from a tinder meet. Holy horse cock. Hahaha. Since the cock shot shares, I see he isn’t on tinder anymore, so someone must have been adventurous enough to tackle the gigantic monstrosity, you know what, I’m sharing it. I’ll just snip it a bit. Hahah. Snip it…. My immediate reaction was fear. Pretty sure I have an average sized vagina, that equipment would bruise my poor lady parts.

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I’ve been working hard on improving my mood, before christmas and most of last fall I was feeling low. Depression had crept in along with stress, a few extra pounds and under eating. I just wanted to crawl into bed and hide out, but then would beat myself up for that. Instead of enjoying the rest and relaxing.

I’ve also tried to say yes to more things. Dinner with friends? Yes. Trip to Portland with my Ex? Yes. That’s right, a potentially awkward weekend away was a great time. We had some drinks, did a pub crawl, caught a basketball game and rang in the new year. Really great time. Are we rekindling a romantic flame? Nope. Not a chance. Not again. But he did mention (while drunk) he didn’t realize how good he had it with me. So there was a little vindication.

I was madly flirting with a friend of a friend a couple weeks ago at a games night. I told Cherise about my new boyfriend and that I intended to flirt my face off later that night, that I was almost ready to tell him he was my new boyfriend because I had seen him at a handful of events now. Well… I did flirt, we sat next to each other, leg against leg, I was TOTALLY in there! He gave me his phone number. Conquest complete. And then it happened. I made some reference about something in pop culture that he didn’t get. This was odd, he gets all my jokes, and is smart enough to know how funny I am. But he didn’t get this… suspicion crept in. How old is this man? Is he actually a boy, was I the oldest person in the room? Was I preying on him? Yes, I was, but was I cougaring him, not just preying? Shit. He is 25. Really? Ugh. I laughed, he said “almost 26” like that makes it any better. Dammit. We might have to break up. These imaginary relationships can be so hard.

Speaking of men far too young for my the 22 year old broke up with his girlfriend. Sigh. I feel mixed emotions about it, He is SO good for my ego. And he CALLS me. I know… uses that text and internet device I carry around with me to verbally communicate. But although he has gotten older, so have I. And he still lives a ways away. I have now realized I am not preying on him, but I think he may be hunting this cougar. And if I date a man 12 years my junior I can justifiably be called a “cougar.” I have been entertaining the idea of a t-shirt. I think it should say something along the lines of “must be this tall to ride” but should have a born-before date.

I went to Seattle for a weekend with my Blog buddy, we caught Super Bowl in the emerald city and had a little post game bar hop. We met a group in one bar, they left and they were already at the next bar we went to. It is the best feeling to walk into a random bar, that you have never been to before and have a table of people scream your name with excitement. I felt like a rock star. And I had a man tell me he “Loved his girlfriend, but I was truly extraordinary”. Awe. I wasn’t interested in anything but taking off my boots and brushing my teeth at that point. But good to hear for external validation none the less.

I have a lunch date today with a man of an appropriate age, and a couple on the hook for next week meet ups. No dick pics this week, but I am hopeful for next week!!

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the guilt of being me

I went to spend a few hours with Cherise yesterday. I stopped for lunch with Candace, we went to the pub where we worked together, the kindling that started our friendship fire. I hadn’t been there in YEARS… it was comfortable and weird all at the same time. She is expecting her second child in a few weeks, and is the most beautiful pregnant woman! 🙂 After lunch I headed up to see Goldy in the hospital, as he is still stuck in there. I feel for him, hospitals are not nice places, and I think He’s going stir crazy, the cold dark smelly hospital on top of being a couple hours from home and in pain… We had a quick visit, going outside for a few minutes, I felt good that he got out of his room for a while, and as always I enjoyed my time spent, even a frustrated, drugged up Goldy is lovely to be around. Cherise, Mia and I went to the beach, picked up a couple things at Natures fare, and hit safeway for some dinner. We visited and played until it was bed time for Mia. I don’t know what I would do without Cherise… probably just sit and rock somewhere in a padded room…
I headed up to the hospital to visit for a while longer before heading home. I had a lovely chat with a girl I went to high school with in the parking lot, and headed up to the room. I have spent countless hours in that hospital, on that floor… I was born in that hospital, My grandmother spent months in that ward, my grandfather spent months in the same ward 15 years later. I was always one to go visit people in the hospital, friends having surgeries, broken bones, cancer, babies, I would be there. I really feel quite at home, maybe because my grandparents spent so much time in care. I rounded the nurses station and Goldys regular nurse smiled and waved. I strolled into the room and said hello. He was laying there eyes closed, because of nausea, he will have his eyes closed, but still be awake. I put down my bag and sat on bed, no movement, earlier that day he really wasn’t feeling great, so I didn’t want to wake him. I rummaged thru my bag and considered what I would do. I had a book, and my ipad, I could have blogged or read. But actually felt like sitting in a hospital room while he slept was a little creepy. I mean, I’m not his mother, or his wife… we are friends. I need to be better aware of healthy boundaries for the people I care for. Selfishly I wanted his attention, but compassionately I want him to heal and feel better. I had already seen him… I was torn, I wanted to stay, but I felt odd about it. I am not his mother, or his wife… I walked over to the nurses station and grabbed a sheet of paper. I wrote him a note, leaving it beside the bed, paused at the door, he was still sound asleep, and I left. I felt awful. I was thinking, watch… he will wake up in 10 minutes and I’ll miss the visit. But… who knows, maybe he will sleep for hours and I’ll be the weirdo sitting in his room watching him sleep (kinda… I would have been working on things…) I almost cried when I got to my car… likely because of the hormones I started sunday, but partially because of guilt. I felt like, I said I would come visit, I was a bad friend for not following thru. There is no evidence to support this claim as true.
He didn’t see my note till nearly 11 at night. I was plagued with guilt. I don’t know when he did wake up, but I felt like I had stood him up. How do people do that? Not show up for plans? My goodness I would have a bleeding ulcer… I was still feeling guilty this afternoon, and talked to my therapist about it. Un-warranted guilt. I was respectful of my own personal boundaries for friendship, respectful of his health and well being, and aware of looking out for my own best interests first. This is progress, something I should be proud of, not guilty about. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t expect someone to sit with me while I slept. I know if I hadn’t been sleeping well at night, (like he has) I wouldn’t want to be woken.
I need to let it go. I will continue to have issue, because putting myself first is something I am out of practice doing. I will feel guilty and need to analyze my thought pattern to see if it is warranted. I cannot continue to beat myself up. Because I am a good friend, and I will go visit you in the hospital! Just not going to lurk in the corner and watch you sleep… it does sound creepy…
I have an appointment in a month to see my therapist again, and I have some homework, I need to identify a trigger for my over-giving. The point where I feel like I am insecure and need to win people over, or if there is an event that snaps me into the giving? There needs to be a balance, I also need to let people reciprocate. It feels good to do nice things for people, why would I deprive my loved ones of doing for me? Not expecting reciprocation, but accepting. I’ll get there…

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